Breaking: Zetterberg May Miss Tonight's Game with "Middle-Body" Injury

by J.J. from Kansas on Nov 11, 2011 11:04 AM CST in News

According to the official Detroit Red Wings twitter feed:

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"Middle-Body" Is a completely new phrase in the mysterious lexicon which discusses hockey injuries. Traditionally, a guy has an upper-body injury, a lower-body injury or is dead. Since the waist has proven to be a pretty good separator for upper and lower body, the system has worked incredibly well. Unfortunately, when you throw in "middle-body" you completely mess up the mechanics here. Where do we separate this? Is this like the strike zone, where the middle body goes from just above the knees all the way up to the nipples, or is this a more oddly-specific central area?

With that in mind, here are my top nine guesses as to what exactly is ailing Mr. Zetterberg

Sudden growth of vestigial tail.
Creative Movember shaving incident (courtesy @Flapjack_McZap).
Internal Organ Realignment Syndrome (hey.. they're all in the middle of the body).
That... one sickness (cha cha cha) - as mentioned by @jennyquarx.
Marital bliss (as first referenced by @TheTripleDeke).
Accidentally sat on his balls.
Itchy belly-button.
His consistently-recurring and well-documented lower-back problems.
Sadness brought on by clowns to the left and jokers to the right.

So there you have it. It could be any one of these issues which might keep him out of tonight's lineup. We won't know until later in the day. Until then, what are your guesses?

Tweet Comment 27 comments | 1 recs |

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Bertuzzi was overly rambunctious today in the daily team freeze tag portion of practice re-injuring himself and Z…

I'm a Homer

by holmstrom96 on Nov 11, 2011 11:51 AM CST reply actions 1 recs

Thanks for the laugh

Z isn’t old enough to sit on his balls and Chelly isn’t on the team anymore. I’m eliminating that possibility.

Only other thing I can think of is that Z’s got lingering pain from the 0-5 stretch when he had Babcock’s foot in his posterior.

by dteowner on Nov 11, 2011 12:09 PM CST reply actions 4 recs

Only other thing I can think of is that Z’s got lingering pain from the 0-5 stretch when he had Babcock’s foot in his posterior.

hahaha. Well-played.

by J.J. from Kansas on Nov 11, 2011 12:43 PM CST up reply actions

On second thought

It’s gotta be something more sinister. You know how those crazy Euros kick around a soccer ball to loosen up. Well, Brunstrom, in an attempt to stay out of the Leino Lounge, “accidentally” kicked the wrong ball.

by dteowner on Nov 11, 2011 12:15 PM CST reply actions 1 recs

No more soccer

They play foosball now.

by Red Wing Nut on Nov 11, 2011 4:30 PM CST up reply actions

my first thought was...

a fractured penis… (fits nicely with #5 on the list).. but then i put my medicine cap on and i thought about the much feared and dreaded sports hernia..

by Wingsfan95 on Nov 11, 2011 12:34 PM CST reply actions

a couple possibilities:

1) he was attacked by the dreaded CANDIRU! A naughty little fish with a penchant for swimming up a man’s urethra to feed on the damaged tissue of the pitiful mass of flesh you once called your PENIS!

2) He was shooting dope into his scrotum.

3)He was kicked in the junk by 2 ninjas taped together to make 1 giant ninja.

4) He has Acute Testicular. Which in a nutshell, no pun intended, his balls pulled a 180. In a way, it means he is kind of lucky. It only happens to about one in four thousand. Kinda like winning the genetic freak lottery.

As soon as I saw this post, I knew where I could go for material. Thank you Doc Hammer and Jackson Publick.

by Red, White and a Mile high on Nov 11, 2011 12:34 PM CST reply actions

4) He has Acute Testicular

Torsion.

fail typing is fail

by Red, White and a Mile high on Nov 11, 2011 12:38 PM CST up reply actions

Yeah

not fun… had that shit… let’s not joke.

Get your Al the Octopus

byjenniferleigh.etsy.com/

by Josh Howard on Nov 11, 2011 12:42 PM CST up reply actions

sorry if I offended

but it IS a comedic post about potential “middle body injuries” to Z and every one of the possibilities I listed is a quote from an episode of Venture Brothers that deals with just this.

by Red, White and a Mile high on Nov 11, 2011 12:52 PM CST up reply actions

oh yes

No, you didn’t offend too bad. Just makes me squirm still when I think about it. It’s just about the most painful thing that a guy can have happen to him. What sux is the day after surgery is probably worse than the torsion. It’s quite the oddity and Venture Brothers did a funny job with it. I’ll throw this in there just for good measure… http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=r_4jrMwvZ2A OUCH MY BALLS!

Get your Al the Octopus

byjenniferleigh.etsy.com/

by Josh Howard on Nov 11, 2011 1:05 PM CST up reply actions

You are all sick

I’m shivering over here reading some of this stuff. What’s wrong with you people?

Winging It In Motown

by Amerinadian on Nov 11, 2011 12:52 PM CST reply actions 1 recs

maybe

you’re the one who is sick. It would explain the shivering. Do you have a fever?

by Red, White and a Mile high on Nov 11, 2011 12:54 PM CST up reply actions

Haha

I wish. Then I’d be able to leave work early.

Winging It In Motown

by Amerinadian on Nov 11, 2011 2:09 PM CST up reply actions

I'M CRAZY FOR COCOA PUFFS!

Sick… naw… just crazy.

Get your Al the Octopus

byjenniferleigh.etsy.com/

by Josh Howard on Nov 11, 2011 1:06 PM CST up reply actions

I believe its Koo-Koo for Cocoa Puffs

by Thever on Nov 11, 2011 3:09 PM CST up reply actions

It is.. but I be crazy today… not koo-koo

Get your Al the Octopus

byjenniferleigh.etsy.com/

by Josh Howard on Nov 11, 2011 3:36 PM CST up reply actions

I can't believe it.

Nobody’s put two and two together. The answer is three, as in three goals. Z’s obviously still feeling the ill effects from the free curly fries he got for Mule’s hat trick the other night.

Would you rather be Kronwalled or Jarnkroked?

by WingsFool on Nov 11, 2011 1:06 PM CST reply actions

Maybe they used Olestra oil to cook his curley fries???

Get your Al the Octopus

byjenniferleigh.etsy.com/

by Josh Howard on Nov 11, 2011 1:07 PM CST up reply actions

Maybe...

…they’re the curlies that were still sitting around after one of the other guys made them a few weeks back. Remember when they were working out in the community? I’ll bet Ericsson was running the fry station that day. He cooked them in grease from his hair.

Would you rather be Kronwalled or Jarnkroked?

by WingsFool on Nov 11, 2011 1:10 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs

one word

rancid… just the thought of that makes me want to hurl

Get your Al the Octopus

byjenniferleigh.etsy.com/

by Josh Howard on Nov 11, 2011 1:20 PM CST up reply actions

Since "middle-body" accounts for about 1% of all hockey injury reports...

…Z’s clearly staging an Occupy Trainer’s Room rally.

Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are even stupider! --George Carlin

by J_Stone on Nov 11, 2011 1:50 PM CST reply actions 2 recs

I'll just go ahead and assume the injury stems from the big hit he took in the neutral zone last game.

by dewman8810 on Nov 11, 2011 4:24 PM CST reply actions

I think you're right

Pretty big step-up body-check where the hips were the primary point of contact. Big, clean, painful. (which was my nickname in college)

by J.J. from Kansas on Nov 11, 2011 4:28 PM CST up reply actions

C'mon now

there was no “clean” in your nickname at college…..we all know, so just don’t even think you can pull that around here – big fella….

by Kendal on Nov 11, 2011 4:40 PM CST up reply actions

That big hit from last game

It looked like Z got hit in the middle by the opponents hips. He got flattened, but at least it wasn’t his head. Could be rib cartilege or oblique strain, which hurts more the next day.

by COstones on Nov 11, 2011 4:29 PM CST via mobile reply actions

Or it could be...

got checked like that once myself…it stung like hell at first but eventually it subsided…until the next day! There’s no sort of pain comparable to that, trust me when I say that. He probably has some internal bruising to go with a semi-sore S1 joint. It will heal within a week (helps when you’re younger) provided there’s no further impacts. Since Zetterberg basically broadsided the checking player, he probably also smacked his cash & prizes at the same time. No need to say how much that can hurt since we’ve all gotten sacked at some point and time in our lives. Let him rest another day or two and go from there. Time for someone else to step up. Let’s see what Fabian has to offer on the top line. Gonna have to find out sooner or later and since Z is gonna be sitting, may as well be sooner rather then later.

"If we knew what the outcome would be it wouldn't be called hindsight."

by wjr on Nov 11, 2011 6:02 PM CST reply actions