Things I Have Read This Week Which Make Me Laugh: The DESTROYER Anthology

You know all those dumptyfucks who rail on about how evil something is before they're inevitably found to be a self-loathing closeted example of it? I found hockey's version of that and it couldn't be any more perfect coming from you-know-where.

I have here the kind of guy who's so broken in the head that he feels so much shame about what kind of a person he is, but can neither prevent himself from doing it nor just get comfortable with accepting it that he actively seeks out to hurt others just like him. At the heart of things, you might actually feel badly for somebody who is so scared, broken, and cowardly inside that his worldview has become so twisted and ugly. Unfortunately, people like this can never keep their self-loathing internal and in order to alleviate the stress, they end up trying to hurt others so they can feel acceptance. There are people out there who are still capable of so much love, understanding, and patience that they can find it in their hearts to pity a wretched soul as such.

Unfortunately, I'm not one of them. I'd rather out the fucker and make him face his demons of shame.

Last week, I was having some good discussion with the fine folks over at SLGT about the fact that Datsyuk didn't elbow their poor widdle pet caveman Barret Jackman in his surprisingly flat (apparently) face. During that conversation and later carrying into a different conversation, the self-appointed defender of SLGT, a guy who calls himself DESTROYER had the brilliant idea to stop trying to intelligently discuss hockey (because apparently he had reached the end of his actual ability to do so) and instead just nuke the conversation by calling me a bandwagon fan a bunch of times before presumably wiping his whey protein powder from his keyboard, changing his desktop wallpaper to a different picture of Terry Crews, kissing his biceps, and calling it a night.

Of course it was so over-the-top ridiculous that you just know there's something up. When you can smell the shame through a computer, it's not hard to find the source.

With a minimal amount of research, I found out that our buddy DESTROYER, the die-hard Blues fan and hater of all things bandwagon wrote this in October:

Short introduction is do here, my name is Evan Hicks, I currently live in Kansas City, Missouri. I grew up in St Louis, die hard hockey fan and baseball. As the Quebec Nordiques moved to Denver, i started paying attention. At the time I was young and watching the NHL expand at the time. I started noticing guys like Peter Forsberg, Joe Sakic, and Adam Foote. Then came the trade that officially made the Avalanche one of my favorite teams. With Patrick Roy coming from Montreal. I immediately fell in love with this team because of their skill, class, and tenacity. As the years roll by and every player off of the original team finally retired, I see this team needs some work, luck, and leadership.

Spelling, capitalization, and composition problems aside, did I read that right? Did this Blues "Die-hard" write a 900-word season preview for the Colorado Avalanche? Oh you bet your ass he did. Actually, you'll notice that he never says he's a Blues die-hard here, simply that he's a die-hard hockey fan.

Let's get this straight. I started liking the Red Wings at the same time he became a fan of the Avalanche, I have never written a flowery preview for a team other than the Red Wings and I'm the bandwagon fan? Something smells like East St. Louis here.

Now the easy answer is that lots of people have a second-favorite team and that's what's going on here. It's especially common for fans of bad teams to get that kind of "backup fandom" going for one that's still going to be playing in mid-April. Hell, I don't have a problem with that. It's fairly normal for fans to pick another team after his own is eliminated from contention. What's not fairly normal is for that fan to be a poser. For some reason, the "die-hard" Blues fan spent a bit of time liking the Avalanche.. a LOT. It's purely coincidence that this time frame and the switch back to loving the Blues seems to coincide with how those teams did in the standings, huh?

Regardless of your feelings about whether it's ok to say "we" or "us" when you talk about your favorite team, would it under any circumstance be ok for you to use one of those group words to describe your second-favorite team? DESTROYER seems to think so...

So on July 1st of 2009, he loved the Avs enough to use the collective "we" when discussing them. What I love even more is this next comment from the day before in a Mile High Hockey post about Peter Forsberg being the #3 top Avalanche player of all-time.

Yeah! There's a reason this die-hard Blues fan wears Peter Forsberg's number in his adult rec league (which he brings up about as often as Pierre McGuire sniffs taints). It must be because he's the world's best Blues fan.

Unfortunately, that only lasts about a week apparently, as he's already switched off by July 7th...

Oh god, it must be every DIE-HARD BLUES FAN'S dream to play hockey in an Avs jersey. I'm just sad that he switched from his favorite number 21 to his teeball number only a week later. Was this the start of his journey back off the Avalanche bandwagon to regain his seat with Blues fans?

That's probably the case, because he posted this at SLGT later in the same month.

First he changes his number off Forsberg's and now it's "unfortunate" that his team name is the Avalanche.Remember folks, this mouth-breather thinks that Wings fans are bandwagoners and that they're the worst thing to possibly happen to hockey. What a hypocrite.

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Taking away from the petty fun I've had digging into this loser's history (and believe me there's plenty more fun out there), I figure I can use this spot in kind of an after-school-special kind of way. So go ahead and picture me in a non-threatening sweater while an earnest-yet-soft brass section plays behind me. Just remember that there are always going to be some idiots who want to take away your enjoyment of the game. Also remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said (aside from "haha, nice wheelchair, jerk!") - Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. If you're interested in learning more about hockey, then don't let meatheads like this guy take that away from you. There's no reason to feel shame for not being born into it or for even coming back around to it after a bit of a break.

And if you're reading this, DESTROYER, get help. It's ok to be who you are as a fan; if you want to hop on and off other team's bandwagons, that's fine; just don't expect a lot of people to take you seriously for accusing them of the same behavior in which you've engaged.

*The more you know...*