Hey you!

Yes, you, over there, looking around to see if I'm talking to someone else. Of course I'm talking to you! I'm afraid I'm here to talk to you about your rosterbating. You see, it's the opinion of the entire Baltimore County School board that if you continue at this rate (using facts, stats, science and cap figures) you will go criminally insane!

So allow me to offer an alternative look at free agency, so you take a much-needed break from rosterbating.

Zach Parise

Saved By the Bell Character: Zack Morris

Reasoning: Zack Morris was the coolest kid in all of Bayside. He had the looks, the girls loved him AND he was the leader of the pack. Sure Slater had his muscles and Screech had a knack for being funny, but when the episodes were centred around those two, even your eight year old self wanted to change the channel.

Not only does Zach Parise share the same name, but he also has roughly the same eyebrows!

What the experts are saying: Zack Morris was kind of douchey, in the same way that Parise is kind of douchey just because he's good at hockey and doesn't play n your team. Really, we all wished we could be Zack Morris, and if that wasn't possible, that we could at least be his friend.

Isn't that what we all hope for Parise?

Ryan Suter

Boy Meets World Character: Shawn Hunter

Reasoning: Shawn Hunter was the suave sidekick we all envied. He got the girls, he did whatever he wanted thanks to deadbeat parents, all while being the Robin to Cory Matthews' Batman. He always said the right thing, and did it without the same fanfare and overacting that Cory Matthews became famous for. He was, in short, the consumate professional when it came to socializing amongst the high school crowd.

Ryan Suter is, by no real professional accounts, a suave dude. While he may not be off-ice (who knows really) on the ice, he skates with a fluidity that would make Danny Ocean envious! He's slick, and he knows it. Often stuck playing the Robin to Shea Weber's much larger (and over-the-line) Batman, Suter made Robin cool again thanks to his effortless play.

He's got game for hockey, while Shawn Hunter's got game for the ladies.

Alexander Semin

Beast Wars Character: Rat Trap

Reasoning: Rat Trap was whiny, and Alexander Semin is Russian.

Kidding! Rat Trap was always the one nobody ever pretended to be while they played Beast Wars at recess. Optimus, Cheetor, Rhinox, those guys were the Ovechkins, the Greens, the Backstroms of the world. Rat Trap was never picked, unless you lost a game of rock paper scissors. Still, Rat Trap was a diabolical genius, and when the going got tough, Rat Trap usually kicked some ass.

Semin doesn't quite work the same way, but when he decides he's got to show up and stop being a loser, man can he shoot. He skates well, plays well, but his fighting leaves a little to be desired. Still, he'd be equal parts infuriating as he would be amazing, making him the least purchased Red Wings jersey ever.

Unless we all lose big at rock paper scissors.

Matt Carle

Real Life Character: Matt Carle

Reasoning: Matt Carle is too awesome to be compared to some random 90's pop culture character.

That's not true, I just got tired of thinking up comparisons. Just trust me, Matt Carle is good.

Anyways, we've had some fun on this little jaunt of a trip. Hopefully I was able to tear you away from your Capgeek page long enough to give your mind a break from the rosterbation.

If anyone has any complaints about the choices I've made, feel free to air them in the comments! Because America!