Listen to my band, buy Apple products, pronounce Lidstrom's name wrong.
At Noon EST on Sunday, phone lines will officially open and free agency will begin. It will be the culmination of a weeks-long descent into madness within the hockey world and we, as Red Wings fans, will be leading the charge. With that in mind, we don't want anybody jumping the gun and getting arrested before the party even starts. Here are some things you could do to pass the time and keep your sanity until Sunday.
- Get a bunch of red (Detroit), green (Minnesota), and black (Pittsburgh) M&Ms; if you're too lazy to go to the M&Ms store in Vegas to get black M&Ms, then just use brown. Place them side-by-side about two feet apart. Next, look very hard into your dog's eyes while whispering "you are Ryan Suter" until your dog believes he's Ryan Suter (this is important, your dog has to believe or it won't work). Next, release your dog in the direction of the candy. Whichever M&M your dog eats first is a surefire way to tell where Ryan Suter will sign this summer. If your dog eats the wrong M&M on the first go, it's your responsibility to make it a best two-out-of-three. Repeat this as often as necessary until your dog has picked the red one often enough to win. Do this again after convincing your dog that he's not Ryan Suter, but he is indeed Zach Parise. Just try to remember that chocolate is bad for dogs, even dogs who think they're Ryan Suter. If you start to get worried about your dog's health before the experiment is over, then get rid of your dog because he clearly hates you and doesn't want you to be happy.
- Call random phone numbers until you stumble upon Justin Schultz's private number. Alternate between verbal abuse and crying until he agrees to sign a two-way deal with Detroit for league minimum and spend time fighting with Jakub Kindl for his roster spot.
- Create a hilarious fake Twitter account that is purposed to look just like a real hockey insider. Create fake information to confuse gullible readers and anger the people who really are hard at work looking for info. Then, jump off a bridge because people who do that are worthless.
- Read the CBA cover-to-cover until random letters start to jump off the page like in 'A Beautiful Mind'. Those letters should eventually start rearranging themselves into recognizable patterns which almost always read out "DENNIS WIDEMAN GOT $5.25M PER YEAR HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA". Trust me, there are enough H's in the CBA to cover this eventuality several times over.
- Buy each of the EA Sports NHL games from 2005 and on. In each one of them, try to trade Johan Franzen straight up for Rick Nash. Whichever version of the game allows you to do that, build a time machine, go back to that year, and bother everybody there with your brilliant idea.
- For the love of the hockey gods, don't schedule your younger daughter's baptism on Sunday morning, you idiot. Your whole family is coming over for brunch afterwards and all you're going to want to do is sit around in your underwear while scouring the internet for whatever clues blow in the wind about what's about to happen. You're not going to be mentally prepared for the onslaught by noon if you're eating cinnamon rolls at 10, moron. This advice also goes out to guys who got their wives pregnant approximately 9 months ago. Steal the time machine from the person in the last bullet point and go back 9 months to put a rubber band over your balls. Your spawn can wait another month.
- Make sure to make a complete list of your demands for your GM. Do it in that cool style where people cut letters out of magazines and glue them to paper. Be prepared to spend the rest of the year calling for the entire team to be blown up if each of your demands aren't met. Stock up on canned goods. Also, refill the toilet paper when the roll is empty, you stupid animal. You never do that and then you always sit the very next time and curse that you forgot to. A little forethought every now and again wouldn't hurt, you know.
So there you have it. A fun list of things you can do while you prepare to kill the next 36 hours or so. enjoy!