It's that time again. We're about to have a season and people want to predict stuff. Well nobody is more qualified than we are because we do this shit for a living. Just the other day, I predicted the Wings would start the season on the road and now it's basically set in stone. Jeff predicted that the USA would win the World Juniors and now it's a done deal. Graham? Well he predicted I'd write in a reminder that the USA won the World Juniors and look..here we are.
Chris predicted we'd include him in this. Even the rookie got one right.
If you've been around for the previous two (and why the hell wouldn't you have been?), you know we usually do ten BOLD predictions each and then we make fun of them. Well we're only getting a half-season so you're only getting half as many predictions. I would apologize, but I've actually won one of these things, so I don't have to do that. Hit Jeff up for that.
Without wasting any more of your precious blog-reading time, here we go:
1. The Red Wings sweep the Rangers to win their 12th Stanley Cup
[J.J.]: Based on their historical record of playing against Rick Nash playoff teams, I'm forced to agree.
[Graham]: NHL fans everywhere are torn on whether to support the Wings or a NY team, so no one watches at all
[Jeff]: This wouldn’t happen if Brian Rafalski was still around for Rick Nash to abuse.
2. Carlo Coliacovo becomes a top-4 defenseman with the Wings by March
[J.J.]: The bottom pair will be made up of Larry Murphy and a drawing of a sock by that point.
[Graham]: At which point he will break every single bone in his body
[Jeff]: I have no snark. If he’s healthy, I can see this happening.
3. Gustav Nyqvist leads all Wings in points
[J.J.]: Reporters are puzzled by his playoff beard and insistence that people call him Zata.
[Graham]: Starbucks reward points.
[Jeff]: You mean leads all the Wings 4th liners who only play 6 minutes a game in points, right?
4. The Minnesota Wild Miss the playoffs
[Graham]: Regression is a bitch
[Jeff]: Craig Leipold will demand another lockout.
5. Ken Holland doesn't make any trades during the season.
[J.J.]: A frustrated Holland tells reporters "I don't get it, I threw in the third-rounder. Why wouldn't anybody take Kindl?"
[Graham]: Leading to B/R writers mocking me even further
[Jeff]: I’m really looking forward to the "We like our team. Getting Colaiacovo back from injury is like a trade deadline acquisition" quote.
1. March 15th or later, at least three MSM/MSB articles will write about a player on a chase for "50-in-50"
[Graham]: if it's Crosby, then that number increases exponentially
[Jeff]: Jonathan Ericsson’s 50 penalty minutes in 50 games?
[Chris]: 3? If its a star it'll be way higher.
2. Nashville misses the playoffs.
[Graham]: Jiminy cricket, if this were the schoolyard you'd be pulling their hair and pushing them in the mud. Just make out and get it over with already.
[Jeff]: Shea Weber will then smash David Poile’s face into the glass.
[Chris]: Ohh the sweet tides of revenge.
3. Matt Cooke will lapse and will earn himself at least a 5-game suspension.
[Graham]: If only he played in the East and took out Raffi Torres; at least that would be worth it
[Jeff]: It will be a team-imposed suspension after he takes out Sidney Crosby in practice
[Chris]: He will punch Bettman in the face the first time he sees him
4. Kyle Quincey does not finish the season in Detroit
[Graham]: Greg Sherman realizes he made a huge mistake and reacquires Quincey along with Todd Bertuzzi in the biggest troll job of the year.
[Jeff]: That’s because the last game of the year will be on the road.
[Chris]: Back to Avalanche in a 1-for-1 trade for Landeskog?
5. Mikael Samuelsson scores 15 and has a higher plus/minus than Brendan Smith.
[Graham]: Higher and wider
[Jeff]: We must be comparing AHL stats after Samuelsson gets sent down in February.
[Chris]: Scores 15 hookers at Hudlers hooker bar? Very plausible.
1. Brendan Smith wins the Calder
[J.J.]: Along with the rest of the Griffins. We are talking Calder Cup, right?
[Graham]: The Kyle Calder Award of Achievement In the Field Of Excellence
[Chris]: Considering that this will happen, it doesn't count as a bold prediction.
2. Kyle Quincey leads the Wings' D in points
[J.J.]: He becomes a lock when his index finger is put into a splint (think about it)
[Graham]: Even more impressive when you consider JJ says he's being traded
[Chris]: Ericsson will have more points
3. Damien Brunner leads the Wings in goals
[J.J.]: Johan Franzen is traded to Windsor via trebuchet
[Graham]: All from the neutral zone (because he played in Switzer......shut up, that's funny)
[Chris]: Goals versus Swiss goalies?
4. Detroit finishes 8th in the West
[J.J.]: I like our chances
[Graham]: Would be nice to see what it's like to be the huge underdog. Wait a minute, no it wouldn't.
[Chris]: As long as they make the playoffs then I'm happy.
5. Tyler Seguin is nominated for the Hart
[J.J.]: Just buy his jersey already, Jeff
[Graham]: When he's on Hoarders in a few years you'll see it along with about 54 Ed Hardy t-shirts
[Chris]: Well without Tim Thomas to hold him back this is entirely possible.
Graham (Reigning Champ)
1. Pavel Datsyuk scores 60 points in 48 games
[Chris]: Move over Seguin.
[Jeff]: He still won't win the Hart Trophy.
[J.J.]: That's higher than his KHL pace. Pavel Datsyuk is out to prove that the KHL plays better defense than the NHL
2. Los Angeles plays in the Stanley Cup Finals for the 2nd straight season
[Chris]:Plays but loses to Detroit after they are magically switched over to the east.
[Jeff]: If they sweep the Blues again, I’m all for it.
[J.J.]: So his daughter won't feel so embarrassed about choking during the post-win presser, Jonathan Quick shows her that it happens to him sometimes too.
3. Tomas Tatar is a regular in the Wings' lineup by March 1st
[Chris]: He better be, this guy has way too much talent to waste in Grand Rapids.
[Jeff]: …and the Wings will be in 10th place in the standings.
[J.J.]: Tomas Tatar is a regular in Lev Praha's lineup by November 1st.
4. The Maple Leafs finish 6th or higher in the East
[Chris]: Their new GM will trade for Luongo who makes The Monster look like a stud.
[Jeff]: Sixth or higher in the draft order for the East. That’s clearly what Graham meant.
[J.J.]: Oh Graham, you keep saying this.
5. The Wings lose in 7 games to LA in the Western Conference Finals
[Chris]: Better than the last 3 years.
[Jeff]: Detroit will be lucky to get out of the first round.
[J.J.]: Bullshit, the Wings have never lost a big playoff game seven. SHUT UP I SAID THEY HAVEN'T!
There you have it, folks. 20 guarantees more guaranteed than any of those other dumb guarantees you've ever seen. You thought the Mayans were going to be right? Well they didn't see us coming. All of these are definitely coming true (even the ones which disagree.)
Even better, we stand by these predictions 100% You won't see us pretending like this post never happens, no sir. What you WILL see is the winner of the contest (me) getting to write the bragging rights post when we're all done here.
So what are your BOLDest predictions? Leave yours in the comments. BOLDest correct prediction wins our adulation, our recognition, and our twice-weekly phone calls asking for the lottery numbers.