Feast Mode: Red Wings 6-1 Bruins

Leon Halip

Everything is right in Detroit and nothing will ever go wrong again.

Today marks the eve of the greatest of holidays: Thanksgiving.  More specifically, American Thanksgiving.

The holiday on the whole will look very similar regardless of which side of the river you happen to be, but the most notable of differences between American and Canadian Thanksgiving, of course, remains in the sequestering of that big juicy bird.

Typically, here in the states, someone will go out to the store and buy a turkey to bake or fry and feed the entire family.  Other delicious sides are prepared, such as stuffing, mashed potatoes, various casseroles and an abundance of pies ranging from the best (pumpkin) to the stupidest (pecan).  This traditional feast dates back to the 1600s, when Squanto Claus would deliver turkeys to the good pilgrims of Colonial America, flying from village to village in a single night.  The pilgrims also learned through Squanto's instructional emails how to fish and plant corn, thus providing delicious food for their families and keeping them alive for at least another three weeks.

Canadians, on the other hand, take a much different approach to obtaining a bird for their weird early Thanksgiving.  In most traditional households, the father will head out into the wilderness a few months before the holiday season in search of the biggest and most appealing turkey.  When he settles on a target, he then woos the turkey with exotic mating calls and conspicuous dancing.  If he is successful and deemed worthy, the turkey will lower its guard and submit to the Canadian father's courtship.  It is at this point that the two return to the human's home and make passionate love by candlelight on the dining room table.  The children of the family gather around the table and cheer their father on while singing the songs of their ancestors, completely oblivious to the travesty taking place in front of them.  If only they knew.

Turkey sex is one of the oldest traditions in Canada, right up there with snow and manners.  If you think this Rob Ford character is strange and unfit to be mayor of a major city, just remember that he was dealing with the stress of having to fuck a turkey for his family on Canadian Thanksgiving.  And after this little holiday story, I feel that it's relevant to point out that the Bruins have nine more Canadians on their roster than the Red Wings do.

So anyway there was a game tonight.

  • The home penalty box has gone from "a bench" to "a bench with Brendan Smith's ass groove" to a collection of his family members waiting to have an intervention with him.  If he were a horror movie character, Smith would be the cocky dirtbag who dies five minutes in after drunkenly stumbling onto an empty beach.
  • Did you catch that slew foot by Dan Cleary in the first period?  I think it may be time to put Old Yeller down. (To the AHL, through waivers, after he goes unclaimed. I don't want to kill Dan Cleary.)
  • Justin Abdelkader got the Wings on the board first.  Johan Franzen made a really nice move after just coming out of the box, leading the rush and moving right around Patrice Bergeron to set up the goal.  Franzen may appear to be an aloof sack of apathy sometimes but when it comes to a one-on-one move up against one of the best defensive forwards of this era, he turns into Sergei Fedorov.  I am at once delighted and completely annoyed.
  • Toward the end of the 1st period, Franzen appeared to be considerably shaken up after taking an elbow to the face from Zdeno Chara.  That is to say, Johan Franzen is dead.
  • Tomas Tatar notched his first goal in 11 games with a beautiful rush and wrap-around.  I was stunned to find out that he hadn't scored since the 5-0 drubbing of the Oilers at the start of the month, but in my defense I've been distracting myself playing up unoriginal storylines like Lazy Franzen and overripe prospects.
  • With the game 2-0 and the Wings carrying the majority of the play, Gustav Nyquist had a chance to give Detroit a three goal lead by hitting a wide open net.  To the surprise and dismay of everyone, he missed the net completely.  About five seconds after Nyquist was reeled into the rafters and shot out of a cannon toward Grand Rapids, Zetterberg scored to make it 3-0.
  • It's not that Jonas Gustavsson aggressively cuts off angles, it's just that he's really excited to see you and wants you to pet him.
  • Brendan Smith took a scary tumble into the boards in the 3rd period when his brother Reilly (his BROTHER of all people, his own brother) gave him a shove.  Brendan went off for no more than a minute before returning to action. 

"BRO," he shouted toward the Bruins bench.

"What bro?"

"BRUH, you pushed me dude."

"Bro I didn't mean it bra."

"bro you coulda kilt me, Ma woulda been pissed."

"i know bruw i was just hella amped"

"crunk or not you should be more careful, i could have broken my head or my brain"

"brua i wasnt crunk i was amped."

"crunk, amped, noice, ripped, whats the dif bro YOU NEED to cool it."

"look Broman Hamrlik, i don't know what yer prob is but the tude needs to change, BUB"

"i'm not your BUB, bro. I'm your bro."

"Bro, i know."

"i'm sorry bro."

"chyea!!  me too."

/fist pound/

Lastly and most importantly, here's an easy way to do something cool: Text KIDS to 85944 to give five bucks to the Childrens Hospital of Michigan.  Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone.

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