The Tale of Jimmy Howard Losing His Head

Jared Wickerham

It all makes sense now...

This morning, media released a story about a tragedy that had been committed within the Motor City. A true catastrophe among Detroit Sports....

That's right... Someone has stolen Jimmy Howard's head. One might think this is hilarious, a true wisecrack! Me? I think it tells a tale that us Red Wings fans have been pondering since the start of the 2013-2014 regular season. Jimmy Howard has lost his mind. Seriously, you think normal people do this shit?:

How could we have not seen this before? How could we be so blind to miss that our goalie has completely fallen out of his tree? As Detroit Police scour the Detroit city limits in order to replace our beloved net-minder's noggin, all we as fans can do is sit and watch in utter horror as a statue erected in homage to a Detroit athlete stands decapitated, reminding us all that we should have started Gustavsson, or something. Look, believe what you want.. This is a serious issue to me. Now Detroit won't have a goalie with the ability to stand on his head so often.

Oh really? Not a concussion, huh? Just routine poop in pants? I don't think so, Jimmers. I use this thieving of Howie's head as an omen to all of this. Who could have done this? Is this the inevitable foreshadowing of Jimmy being the worst goalie in hockey history? Was it just a trolling fan who called into 97.1 The Ticket one too many times to spew his nonsense to Mike Valenti about how Jimmy Howard is the problem with this team? Was it Milan Lucic taking home a souvenir? Maybe one of the local homeless people took it to wear as a helmet. The possibilities are endless here, folks.

Looks, Jimmy's had an off year in terms of performance. But really, how perfect is this right now? After all the speculation of him being concussed in game three after having a season in which he just didn't seem like he was himself at times. It's not like this was a quick process that was done by one person, either... That's a big god damn thing to remove. Can you imagine seeing some ass-hat carrying Jimmy's head through Campus Martius? It's like, you wouldn't know whether to call the police or give the person a high-five for accomplishing such a thing.

I sure hope they are able to recover Jimmy's head before, say, August? Haaaa. Okay, well I guess it doesn't really matter. They likely won't find it. I'm sure it's in some idiot's basement with a mustache drawn on it, sitting on a table like some sort of trophy. Good job, ass-hat. My guess is if you went into this person's car and turned it on, the default radio station would be 97.1.
So I suppose you made a statement stealing Jimmy's head.. And yes it is hilarious as hell. But you're the one with a gigantic replica of Jimmy Howard's head now sitting in your house or garage.. Enjoy living with that you unsound psychopath.

UPDATE!


Justice has been served.

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