The Red Wings are Villains

Nice nose, asshole - Lars Baron

You've probably seen this thing before. You've probably run your own name through this thing and gotten either a mild chuckle or supreme disappointment (or in the case of Walter Kronkite, kind of racially offended).

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via weknowmemes

But why stop there? We've got a whole team here. Let's make a whole league of villains! When we run the Red Wings' name through this, we get a well-built multi-structured evil empire. Let's explore the depths of madness together.

The Leadership Core

At the top of any successful evil syndicate (like Hydra or the Boy Scouts of America), there's a group of leaders so terrifying that everybody is forced to fall in line under them. The evil Red Wings are no different with their trio of dastardly deed-doers.

Pavel Datsyuk as

THE POISON SKULL

Henrik Zetterberg as

DOCTOR CLOWN

Niklas Kronwall as

THE CRAZY CRIMINAL

If you've ever wondered about the terrible secret behind the shape of Pavel Datsyuk's head. Wonder no more. The secret is POISON. The Poison Skull lurks. BooooOOOOOoooooooOOOOO! What are two things that terrify children? TIME'S UP, MOTHERFUCKER. Doctor Clown is here to ruin your birthday party! Don't drink the punch. There's no telling what Doctor Clown put in there (it's pee) Not only is Niklas Kronwall a criminal, but he's a CRAAAAAZY criminal at that. [maniacal laughter]. Not content with mere criminal acts, like defacing currency, this criminal does it with only a tentative grip on reality.

The Muscle

From the deceitful monsters at the top, no criminal organization can run without a group of henchmen to do all of their heavy henching for them. Fortuately for the Wings, they've got an entire group of BRUTAL underlings ready to ruin your day. Here's the roster:

Jonathan Ericsson leads the Brute Squad as his alternate ego THE BRUTAL MASTERMIND.

Just beneath him, Johan Franzen throws thunderbolts when he feels like it, for he is THE BRUTAL WIZARD

Working closely under the Crazy Criminal Niklas Kronwall, the understudy Jakub Kindl is the more-sane of the two, but no less-terrifying, as he's THE BRUTAL CRIMINAL.

When the Brute Squad needs a bit of masked craziness to do some dirty work, they call on Jimmy Howard and Jonas Gustavsson, known to their parole officers as THE BRUTAL DEVIL and THE BRUTAL NINJA. The Former's unpredictability belies his evil while the other one seems to appear out of nowhere for stretches and then disappear just as quickly.

Finally, we have Justin Abdelkader and Joakim Andersson, who spend most days fighting over which one of them is the REAL Brutal Shadow.

Meanwhile, Daniel Alfredsson laughs at them because they can fight over which one of them is brutal, he's too busy being THE DANGEROUS SHADOW.

The Up-and-Comers

Some truly special villains are making a name for themselves in the Red Wings' evil cabal. Let's dig into the details a bit.

Tomas Tatar is

THE DANGEROUS MONSTER

Riley Sheahan is

THE BLOODY WEREWOLF

Gustav Nyquist is

PROFESSOR CHILD

This isn't your every day run-of-the mill monster. This one is dangerous. Take him lightly at your own peril. He will definitely fuck you up. It might seem redundant that a feral bipedal lupine terror might get a little messy in his rampage, but there really is a lot of blood involved. I mean A LOT. Holy shit. This guy is so nice and likable that even his villain nickname basically comes down to "he's Doogie Howser." Gustav Nyquist is too cute to be a villain

That's just one line though. Check out the rest

Tomas Jurco is

THE DANGEROUS BEAST

Brendan Smith is

THE MAD WEREWOLF

Danny DeKeyser is

THE DANGEROUS SKULL

If you thought the Dangerous Monster was bad, wait until you meet the Dangerous Beast. Ok, they're kind of the same thing, but they're dangerous, like Busta Rhymes! Ok, maybe werewolves can keep themselves a little clean. That's nice, but it's no more safe. Brendan Smith may not be bloody, but he's bloody pissed. You may not ever get to see it because it's hidden by his skin and hair, but trust me, you don't want to come face-to-face with the Dangerous Skull

Brian Lashoff is

THE MAD MASTER

Xavier Ouellet is

THE ATOMIC CORPSE

Petr Mrazek is

THE POISON LORD

It's bad enough that he's really good at... whatever it is he does, but does he have to be crazy? The answer is YES OF COURSE MWAHAHAHAHAHA Corpses are already scary, but when you add the raw power of the building blocks of matter, you get truly terrifying stuff. I'm not an expert, but you probably don't want to take ice cream from this guy.

Sirs Not-Appearing-in-This-Film

Stephen Weiss is THE DARK ROBOT: Does that mean he's out of batteries? woooOOOooo so scary.

Mikael Samuelsson is THE DARK WEREWOLF: Listen, guy. We've already got enough werewolves here. We'll call you if we need anything.

Todd Bertuzzi is THE DANGEROUS KNIGHT: Oddly fitting this one, actually.

Kyle Quincey is THE UNSTOPPABLE SPIDER: Ok yeah that's kind of scary. You just keep stomping the little guy and he won't flatten. At that point you just kind of scoop him up and put him out in the garage to eat crickets.

Daniel Cleary is THE DANGEROUS TARANTULA: This one would put a fair amount of dread in me if this tarantula had more than one working leg. Limpalong the Orb-Weaver isn't too intimidating.

Valtteri Filppula is THE INVISIBLE WIZARD: He's done such a good job of being invisible that nobody on the Wings has seen him in a year.

Why We're not DOOMED

Fortunately, we've got a guy to take charge and keep the Wings under control here.

After all, Mike Babcock is THE DARK KNIGHT.

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