I have a girlfriend, and she’s great. Her sister has a subscription to the magazine Cosmopolitan. That’s not so great. Cosmo is a magazine made to tell ladies what they need to do to be pretty, talk about women and men more successful than they are, and give out horrible advice in the bedroom.
But the single most ridiculous thing in any issue of Cosmo has got to be the quizzes on the back page of the magazine. They’re so crazy and terrible, my girlfriend and I do them together just for laughs. Through them, I have found out that my BFF may not be on my side, I’m not enough of a bad girl, sex with me is not very exciting, and I’m getting undermined. All wonderful advice brought to me by 5 simple, 3-answer questions.
So, I have decided to make a Cosmo quiz based on this past season for all of you. Here it goes.
WHAT SONG SUMS UP YOUR FEELINGS AFTER THIS PAST RED WINGS SEASON?
1. The Red Wings were really bitten by that nasty injury bug, how are you feeling about it?
a. The Wings cannot transition into the super-rough Eastern Conference and all of our players got injured. FML.
b. We had a significantly large number of injuries on the team. Maybe our players aren’t as durable as we thought. I think we should take a hard look at the training staff to see what happened, TBH.
c. No probs! Injuries are completely random! We’ll be completely healthy next year for sure!
2. Detroit brought in some young super-hotties this year that really helped the team make the playoffs. What do you think the Big D should do with them in the future?
a. Trade them! We could get what we really need, like a top-tier defenseman, a franchise goaltender, or a real second-line center!
b. Proceed with caution! They are good, but there’s a good chance they’ll regress next year—Hello, Kindl?
c. The future is here! Start building the team around them and trade anything we can to make them better! With Pavs and Z on the second line and Tats and G on the first, we’re gonna be the best team in the conference!
3. UH OH! Jimmy Howard just let in a soft goal. How do you react?
a. UUUUUUGH. Howard keeps letting these goals in! Bring in Mrazek!
b. We shouldn’t really sweat it, goals are often the result of random chance. Give Jimbo another chance. It’s not like he consistently lets soft goals in, right?
c. JIMMAY WAS INTERFERED WITH! Come on refs! Howie’s a Vezina candidate, he doesn’t just let goals like that in!
4. The Winged Wheelers squeaked into the playoffs and lost in 5 to the big, bad Boston B’s. What happened, and what do we do from here?
a. We were destroyed. There’s no other way to put it. We need to tear everything down and build it back up from the ground floor. A playoff loss like that tells you one thing: rebuilding time. Get Niskanen on the phone, and see if we can trade Babs for him. It might be for the best.
b. We came up just a little short against Columbus in the wild card race, and drew the President’s Trophy-winning Bruins. Advancing to the second round would have been a tall order, especially with a banged-up team like us. Let’s get healthy, re-sign our young guys, and take another shot at the division.
c. The refs were totally BFFs with the B’s. They got all the calls, and just got really lucky. We totally could have beat the Bruins. We beat ‘em a bunch in the regular season, we could’ve beat ‘em in the playoffs. We should keep the exact same roster we had this year. We will win The Cup next year!
5. What do you think of Stephen Weiss?
a. WEISS SUCKS! The worst deal we’ve ever made. BUY HIM OUT AND FIRE HOLLAND.
b. It sounds like he was injured a lot and never found a clique on the team. Maybe a summer of pampering, yoga, and getting healthy will do him well?
c. Weiss is great! He’s totes everything the D needs! Just you wait, my discounted Weiss Winter Classic jersey is gonna be the best bargain I got all year!
MOSTLY As: Jar of Hearts: "Who do you think you are? Running round leaving scars." There’s no hope. The team you loved let you down. You deserve a spa weekend, because the team you loved let you down, hard.
MOSTLY Bs: Hey Brother: "Oh, if the sky comes falling down, for you, there’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do." You understand that times may be a little tough for your favorite team, but we can weather the storm and, with a few adjustments and getting healthy, your team can be competitive in the Eastern Conference.
MOSTLY Cs: Everything is Awesome: "Everything is awesome, when you’re living a dream." You know, I love the team spirit, but you know you can be a little too optimistic, right?
Share what you got in the Comments!!