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Noah Webster Doesn't Know 'bout My Dekes

By J.J. from Kansas
Look! It's your mom.
Look! It's your mom.

When it comes to language, hockey fans are in a world of their own (a world that doesn't get ESPN).  The average hockey-watcher can turn a phrase as effortlessly as Andreas Lilja could turn over a puck and knows at least two nicknames for every player on his team.  Regularly displaying some of the best, brightest, and most colorful language of all sports fans, those followers of forecheckers, the perusers of puck-movers, the loyal fans of the chilly stands have developed a language all their own when discussing all that which happens on and off frozen pond.

If you were to ask a non-seasoned hockey fan (like the kind you'll find wearing Patrick Kane jerseys all over Chicago up until about the beginning of May) how to define a "Murphy Dump", you'd likely get a perplexed look and an answer involving too many Irish Car Bombs, a plate of chili cheese fries, and a morning full of regret.  Even some people still don't know that a Gordie Howe Hat Trick has less to do with haberdashers than with slobberknockers.  With that in mind, I've collected a choice handful of hockey slang phrases to help some of the newer guys along, as well as a few new ones for those of you who don't immediately think "cupcakes" when somebody says "icing".  Join me after the jump for some learnin'.

First, the Red Wings-related entries:

Datsyukian (adj) - amazing or jaw-dropping, specifically centered around hand-eye coordination and spatial awareness.  (Ex: Before surgeons are allowed to operate on the human brain, they have to show a Datsyukian level of talent with a scalpel.)

Stockholmstrom Syndrome (n) - A psychological reaction to having a large, angry man's ass largely blocking one's vision while trying to do one's job which causes the sufferer to identify with and appreciate large asses.  Also sometimes known as MIx-a-Lot By Proxy. (Ex: My husband says he wants me to gain a lot of weight, because he can't sleep if he doesn't have my big ass in front of him; I'm worried he has Stockholmstrom Syndrome.)

Ilarious (adj) - Characterized by being funny or making merriment from a skill that one's younger, smaller brother does much better. (Ex: Watching that forward try to deke defenders like his little bro was Ilarious.)

Kronwalled (v) - The act of hitting a man hard enough to knock his mother's fillings loose, often when he doesn't expect it. (Ex: Hey man, what happened to Tim?  Oh, he's in the hospital, he didn't look when stepping into traffic and got Kronwalled by a bus.)

Muletrick (n) - A collection of four goals in one hockey game, from Johan Franzen's game four insanity against the Sharks in last season's playoffs. (Ex: I don't know what those fans are doing with a pack animal in the stands, but I'm kind of hoping against somebody scoring a Muletrick tonight.)
 
Eavesed (v) - To mess up hilariously and in ugly fashion while attempting something cool.  Used only in past-tense.  (Ex: Patrick had a nice thing going with this smoking-hot chick at the bar until he Eavesed it by spilling his drink down her shirt while turning to look at another girl's chest.) - Entry courtesy of Red Wings fan extraordinaire Mike Serven and sexy writer/editor of The Production Line Michael Petrella.

Elsewhere around the league:

Carcillogen (n) - An object or idea that increases a person's chance of being labeled a douchebag. (Ex: Time to shave that moustache, Todd. Scraggly, creepy moustaches like yours are known Carcillogens.)

Perrynatal (adj) - of, relating to, or having the characteristics of a fully grown man who acts like an infant. (Ex: The Duck's forward took a cheap shot at the opposition after the whistle and then went crying to the refs for protection, a very Perrynatal act, if you ask me.)

Pronger Fissix (n) - A field of scientific study dedicated to the natural phenomenon of tall men elbowing shorter people in the head from behind and the circumstances which make these types of collisions unavoidable. (Ex: Chris and I both reached for the last slice of pizza at the same moment and, despite the fact I was faster and got my hands on it first, the laws of Pronger Fissix came into play and the slice ended up on his plate; at least that's what I was told when I woke up several hours later in a dark room with people wearing white coats standing around a computer screen frowning while my wife cried.)
 

Malkintent (n) - A person who, when unsatisfied with the way things are going, plays dirty.  Despite all outward appearances though, any injuries sustained as a result of that type of playing were not the desired result. (Ex: Losing badly in a finals game really turned Gene into a Malkintent.  He might have punched Henry, but was not trying to hurt him.)

Clitsome (adj) - I'm sorry, but this definition is not available on the free online version of the new Hockey Dictionary.  Please purchase the full adult version on paperback or hardcover for this entry.