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Things I Have Read This Week Which Make Me Laugh: Baseball Writer Edition

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"Hey there, unquestionably successful GM" - "Hey there, arguably great defenseman."
"Hey there, unquestionably successful GM" - "Hey there, arguably great defenseman."

James Morisette is a baseball fan, but he's from Detroit* and he loves the Red Wings, so much so that after starting blogging for Bleacher Report in February 2011, he didn't write anything about his beloved franchise until this July 7th, where he got all mad at Greg Krupa for saying the Wings should maybe stand pat. In that article, he called Nick Lidstrom "arguably the type of exciting defenseman that comes along but once in a lifetime."

Because it's arguable, I guess.

Whatever. He floated on our radar today because he's mad at Graham for daring to challenge Ken Holland to improve the roster.

The way this letter is written, you would think Hathway was anointed Saint Winged Wheel, protectorate of the Red Wings hockey club.

Actually, this is true. When we got together in January to watch the Wings beat the Hawks in overtime (hahaha Pavel Datsyuk's bank-shot goal), we had a ceremony and I anointed him this. I think he's doing a damn good job too by writing his opinions.

Very clever Mr. Hathway. Way to butter Holland up before giving him that good old kick in the rear—a kick this unquestionably successful GM really needs, especially from you.

Buttering somebody up to kick him in the ass is my favorite mixed metaphor ever. I guess it makes foot insertion that much easier? Yes, Holland is "unquestionably successful" while Lidstrom is only "arguably" a once-in-a-lifetime defenseman. Your adverbs suck (BOOM! Roasted).

I bet Holland is so distraught, that he might be thinking, "You know what, Hathway is right. He is so much in tune with what the team’s needs are, more than I am. Think I will give him a call, maybe pick his brains about the proper direction of our team."

This is always my favorite shot at people who criticize because it doesn't mean anything. Actually, I hope it means what James thinks it does, because what he thinks it means in his heart of hearts is that Ken Holland actually reads this shit and therefore Ken Holland is reading his very earnest and naive defense against that horrible bully who dares ask that the successful Red Wings remain successful.

At the end of shift, I wish people like Hathway would realize the Red Wings are a team not to be taken for granted. Sometimes, when teams perform so well for so long, a mentality of expectancy sets in

You mean like when he said that the Wings were still actually a competitor?

"[Graham Hathway’s] opinions do not necessarily reflect those of the Detroit Free Press nor its writers."

Taking this a step further, not only do Hathway’s opinions not reflect those of this newspaper, but they also do not reflect those of knowledgeable Red Wing fans who appreciate everything Holland has done (and will continue to do) for this hockey club.

I bolded the word "knowledgeable." This is what's known as foreshadowing.

Yeah, [Jordin Tootoo] will play winger on the fourth line...But looks like Wings may use him at D eventually...Depends on how things flow in free agency. Either way, I took defenseman out to prevent confusion...Good observation man.

HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

That's from an article called 'Jordin Tootoo: Red Wings' Fans Should Go Coo Coo for No. 22', in which our die-hard and knowledgeable Wings fan called Jordin Tootoo a defenseman and then, when called out for it in the comments, backpedaled with some Mathieu Dandenault shit.

Of course, that's the same article where he also said "in time Tootoo will become the Red Wings' version of Detroit Pistons instigator Bill Laimbeer" because apparently he couldn't think of any hockey players like that. To James Morisette, Darren McCarty is just an Irish Gurney.

Stick to baseball, James. You're embarrassing.

[*Update: From James - "Me neither...was a huge Leafs fan growing up" Hoo boy, this just keeps getting better, doesn't it?]