clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

WiiM's BOLD PREDICTIONS 2013 - Part 1: The Also-Rans

Our BOLD PREDICTIONS are back and better than ever. We've got five people taking part this year, so we broke it into two parts: One with all the losers, and the other with past champions. Think of it as a relegation league.

Flickr User Erik Fitzpatrick with rights reserved

I'm not lying when I say this is one of my favorite things to do each year. Of course, my charming and winning ways help in the fun. Just like last year and the year before that, we bring you WiiM's BOLD PREDICTIONS for the 2013-14 season. We came together and decided that everybody would make six BOLD guesses as to what would happen this season and then I'd go ahead and say six things that are definitely going to happen.

We'll revisit these once the playoffs are over and laugh at just how awful we are at doing this, of course.

The fun doesn't stop with us though. You'll notice we have a full commenting section where you can make letters say stuff like words and make your own BOLD PREDICTIONS. Come up with your own in the comments (or just make fun of ours). Once this shindig is done, we'll reward the BOLDEST (and also correct) predictions with INTERNET FAME!

First up, we've got Jeff, Christian, and Michelle. Let's see what their dumb predictions look like.


1. Red Wings win the Atlantic Division.

[J.J.]: If That must have hurt for a Boston fan to type.
[Graham]: By at least 15 points.
[Chris]: You can't put fact in the bold predictions. Cheater.
[Michelle]: While Boston doesn't make the playoffs.

2. Tyler Seguin scores 30 (or more) goals.

[J.J.]: Proving the age-old saying "It's easier to score when other teams aren't worried about whether they'll lose to you."
[Graham]: That's his term for puck-bunnies in Dallas.
[Chris]: In the AHL maybe.
[Michelle]: In his summer road hockey league.

3. Oilers make the playoffs.

[J.J.]: And in the first round the Kings jump all over them like they jumped all over the chance to get Gretzky.
[Graham]: The fun part will be seeing how their beaten-down fans will react.
[Chris]: They make the finals, but lose to the Wings and then don't make the playoffs for another 10 years. .
[Michelle]: And dinosaurs once again roam the Earth.

4. Brendan Smith puts up at least 26 points.

[J.J.]: At least 15 of those are for the other team.
[Graham]: 25 of which will come after the team is down by at least 3 goals, or as I call it, "The Hudler Effect".
[Chris]: I second J.J's motion.
[Michelle]: For the Toledo Walleye.

5. Justin Abdelkader scores a minimum of 20 goals.

[J.J.]: All of them during the most-dominant Olympic MVP performance we've ever seen.
[Graham]: Earning his spot on the US Olymp.....hahahahahahahaha Abby an Olympian makes me laugh.
[Chris]: I wouldn't mind this at all.
[Michelle]: No snark here, this is going to happen.

6. Mike Babcock wins the Jack Adams Award.

[J.J.]: This won't happen if prediction #3 does.
[Graham]: But the Red Wings aren't expected to be bad, so this won't happen.
[Chris]: According to NHL law, Mike Babcock is never allowed to win any award.
[Michelle]: Hahahahahahaha. This would rip a hole in space and time. Everything would go Wibbly Wobbly, and the Sontaran's would stop fighting wars.


1. Darren Helm doesn't play a game for the Red Wings this season.

[Jeff]: If that's the case... he'll never play for the Wings again in his career. Trade him. Injury prone. Bust.
[Graham]: Why do you hate happiness?
[Michelle]: This is too close to a depressing realistic prediction.
[J.J.]: oh yeah? Where's he getting traded?

2. Justin Abdelkader pulls a Cheechoo and scores over 50 goals.

[Jeff]: Cheechoo Train. Tootoo Train. Abdelkader Train. I've got no snark for this. I just wanted to make JJ cringe.
[Graham]: Johan Franzen uses some of Abby's hair product, thinking it the source of his power.
[Michelle]: His gluteus maximus is credited with 30 of them.
[J.J.]: "Pulling a Cheechoo" Is very similar to "Pulling a Gary Glitter", except the part where you hit it big is literal and the part where you suck in the minors is figurative.

3. Detroit wins the Presidents trophy.

[Jeff]: pssschh... how are they going to beat the big, bad Bruins?
[Graham]: Every year someone predicts this, and every year I know who to blame when it doesn't come true.
[Michelle]:Yeah, and Mike Babcock will finally win the Jack Adams.
[J.J.]: Lord help the rest of the league if that happens.

4. Neither Tomas Vanek nor Ryan Miller is traded during the season.

[Jeff]: They will be traded during the Olympic break. That doesn't count as the season.
[Graham]: Have you seen the Sabres? Trading them just tells their fan they're not "going for it".
[Michelle]: Does Miller running away one night, donning a disguise, and volunteering his services to another team count as "traded"?
[J.J.]: By the end of the season, the Sabres are so bad, those two switch positions for funsies.

5. Jimmy Howard wins the Vezina and the Jennings.

[Jeff]: Only if Howard plays all 82 games.
[Graham]: Thanks to Jonas Gustavsson's season-ending knee injury sustained in the second game of the year.
[Michelle]: He and Mrazek would make a pretty awesome tandem.
[J.J.]: And the Norris and the Olympic MVP and laser eye surgery to turn the creepiness level of his stare down from "The Potato Sack Murderer" to "Jug Band Groupie."

6. The Red Wings sweep the Stars in the Stanley Cup Final.

[Jeff]: Once again, only beacuse Seguin's 30 (or more) goals get Dallas to the Final.
[Graham]: Ed Belfour assaults 16 policemen, one for every Red Wing victory.
[Michelle]: Hahaha, you predicted the Stars would make it to the finals.
[J.J.]: The series-clinching goal is scored on a power play caused by a puck over the glass by a player whose jersey being tucked in goes unnoticed by the refs. They deserve it.


1. Petr Mrazek will win either the Calder Trophy, or the Calder Cup.

[Graham]: The presentation ceremony is beautiful as a 500 pound Kyle Calder presents Mrazek with the Golden Trash Can.
[J.J.]: Or the Calder Plate or the Calder Plaque or the Calder Shoulder.
[Jeff]: Or both.
[Chris]: Maybe he'll play 25 games in the NHL. Go 25-0 and then head down to the AHL to help the Griffins with the Calder Cup. Makes everyone happy.

2. Jonathan Ericsson will have more points than Niklas Kronwall.

[Graham]: Driving demerit points.
[J.J.]: Hahahahahahahahaha.
[Jeff]: Riggy Scorebox.
[Chris]: *Facepalm*

3. Mikael Samuelsson will play at least 65 games and get 40 points and by the end of the season, Jeff will say nice things about him.

[Graham]: He could score 8 goals in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals and it would still be a terrible signing.
[J.J.]: This one's going to bite you in the ass when everything but the last part comes true.
[Jeff]: I'm purposefully never going to say anything nice about Samuelsson just so you lose and I don't finish last for like 4th straight year.
[Chris]: But he won't do it with the Red Wings.

4. Jimmy Howard finally loses patience and body slams Brendan Smith onto the ice… mid-game.

[Graham]: The best part will be the awkward bro hug Smith tries to give Jimmy after.
[J.J.]: Kyle Quincey looks on in horror as he finally notices his face is on Jimmy's mask.
[Jeff]: But Smith is the WWE Champ! BEST IN THE WORLD. (Link)
[Chris]: So the Wings bring back White to fill the void. How's that going to work out?

5. Todd Bertuzzi scores 20 goals and is healthy for the whole season.

[Graham]: But that will mean he's playing top-6 minutes and then Nyquist will be in Grand Rapids all year and now I'm sad.
[J.J.]: He scores 20 and we all agree he should have... gotten Moore (YEEEEAAAAH!)
[Jeff]: Shootout goals don't count.
[Chris]: Stop with all of the dumb jokes J.J., I can't take them anymoore.

6. During the Winter Classic Alumni game, Nicklas Lidstrom realizes how much he misses playing hockey and signs a 1 yr contract with the Wings and goes on to win the Norris Trophy.

[Graham]: Daniel Alfredsson immediately asks for number 5 just to be "that guy."
[J.J.]: The Wings make room by trading Kindl and a third for a future Hart nominee.
[Jeff]: Are you drunk?
[Chris]: If this doesn't come true I am going to blame you for jinxing it.

- - -

Stay tuned, as we'll do this again later today, except half of the predictions won't suck.