Alright sweet, I made it just in time. Sorry I cut it this close. I know I haven't been here in a while, but I can explain:
Reading is hard. All those letters and dots smashed together to form words and sentences can be daunting. And this blog? Jesus. Sentences everywhere. Letters too, but mainly sentences with words. New sentences are being put up on this blog multiple times a day, every day, every week, all the time. That thing we do where we record ourselves saying the words out loud is tough, but at least in that case I don't have to read the words coming out of our mouths. They're just floating around haphazardly, like in that Gravity movie.
Reading, though, hell. You have to read to be up on everything. Odds are that you might be a person who does this all the time, or even (holy god) enjoys doing it. Well I had enough. I read like four things the whole summer. Judge me, whatever. After missing out on last season's Bold Predictions, I'm excited to be here for the 2013-14 edition.
Wait- Aw, dammit.
I missed it again? But I even bought an alarm clock this year! Do you know how hard it is to find an alarm clock? Do you? They haven't made one since 2007. I specifically wanted an alarm clock for the sole purpose of not missing this. I had to go to a yard sale in Ferndale to find one that didn't have Cheeto dust caked between the buttons or a broken snooze bar. Ah - yeah. Yeah it was the snooze bar that did me in. Yep. Just now realizing this. Oh well. Maybe they'll have a separate post for the oth OH COME ON
GRAHAM. JEFF. J.J. THE HELL.
I didn't even make the "ALSO-RANS"?? What's lower than an also-ran? An also-walked? God I hate words. Screw it I'm doing my own post.
BOLD PREDICTION #1: Darren Helm will not play until after Groundhog Day. He will emerge from hibernation on Long-Term IR, turn to see his shadow, pop something in his back, and be out at least another six weeks.
[J.J.]: I agree that sounds very accurate and you are also very handsome, Tyler.
[Graham]: cheerio that sounds correct eh
BOLD GREAT PREDICTION #2: Damien Brunner will put up more points than Daniel Alfredsson.
[JJ]: I have seen the future already and I know this is a fact.
[Grant]: Well ya know what they say, you can eat all the maple syrup in the wourld but it won't make a mountie out of a mole hill for ya eh
[Jeff sucks]: bruins
BOLD TASTING AND REFRESHING MILLER LIGHTWEISER PREDICTION #3: Tomas Tatar will end the season with at least 35 points.
[Jayj]: Could not be any more correct. Literally perfect in every sense of the word.
[Gram]: Pip pip!
BOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD PREDICTIMUNDO NUMERO 4: The Red Wings win the Winter Classic by at least 4 goals.
[J.J. From Way Closer To St. Louis Than Detroit]: You are our generation's greatest national treasure. I consider you my superior in every conceivable way. I am aggressively in love with you.
[Matt Shaub]: Well colour me agreeable
[Jeff's thumb is all up in his butt]: by "thumb" do you mean "Brad Marchand's nose"
BOLD, CAPITALIZED AND POSSIBLY EVEN EMBOSSED AND AW YEAH, ARE WE UNDERLINING THIS BITCH YEAH YOU BET WE ARE PREDICTION #5: The Ottawa Senators will finish ahead of the Red Wings in the Atlantic Division. Too Alfredsson-y not to happen.
[http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0736622/]: I have your Facebook page open and I'm showing my children pictures of you as we weep together
[a bald guy]: Justin Bieber, Morissette / That's His Best Prediction Yet!
[Dick Fingers]: I have done nothing to deserve the merciless beating that has been heaped upon me for years on end.
BOLD PREDICTION NUMBER SIX FEET UNDER CUZ THAT'S WHERE ALL YALL'S PREDICTIONS BE GOIN: I will regret at least 4 out of 5 of these terrible predictions.
[Jeff]: go bruins