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Fee-Fi-Fo-F**k-It: Wings give a contract to Charlie Bucket

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Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

Not everybody is aware of Dan Cleary's nickname, given to him when he was a monster contributor for the Wings, giving his all for the team. This was well before his all had all been exhausted, but over when the Chief was still churning out stuff at A2Y, we gave Danny Cleary the nickname Charlie Bucket.  Here's why (from the A2Y Glossary):

Dan Cleary, the boy with the golden ticket. Wandering the streets of dreary whatevertownBucketsgrewupin, not wanting to go home because Grampa Joe wasn't getting out of bed and yet another dinner of disgusting thick tasteless soup awaited him. A sparkle in the gutter, a silver dollar. That money could feed his family for a week! Oh, the turmoil. Tasty Wonka chocolate and a chance at a trip every child in the world was hoping for, or food on the Bucket table. Screw it. Grabbed it. Bought the bar. Ripped it open. Golden Ticket. Hell yes.

Now that he's re-signed, we're a bit less thrilled. It's like remaking the 1971 classic with Tim Burton taking a wonderfully made story and sucking the soul right out from behind its eyes, leaving you with a cold, vapid, and altogether terrifying husk.

In other words, the nickname is still fitting, but for a different reason.

Just in case you thought the offseason wasn't going to get worse, the Red Wings have re-signed Daniel Cleary to a space-wasting contract, as announced by the club.

We'll have details as they come.

UPDATE 1 - hahahahah fuck it.

UPDATE 2 - hahahaha keep fucking it.