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How to Hate the Atlantic: Montreal Canadiens

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As we prepare for the Wings' second season in the new Eastern Conference, we take a closer look at the teams with whom they share their division, the Atlantic. Join us as we guide you through the hate.

Bruce Bennett

Montreal Canadiens

We're back to the Original Six today and focusing on the Yankees of our sport, the Montreal Canadiens. I know that doofuses (doofi?) have previously bestowed that title on the Red Wings for the way they spent money prior to the lockout that Tampa caused, but it's way more-fitting for Montreal. For one, they take the name of the nation whose national pastime is the sport they're playing. They've also won more championships than anybody else thanks to having once been powerful enough to essentially force the league to let them cheat their way there.

However, if we absolutely HAVE to force the comparison of the Yankees onto the Wings in a way that doesn't fit the Canadiens, we'll just have to look at the fact that the Yankees have won a title in the last two decades.

What to Like About them

I don't know if this should count as a like thing or a hate thing, but the Red Wings' Twitter feed and the Canadiens' Twitter feed have something they call a "teammance" going and that's kind of adorable if not altogether emetically disgusting (honestly, it's more the latter). Failing that, I really enjoy watching PK Subban play.

What to Hate Most About Them

I'll let you know as soon as they stop jerking themselves off long enough with ceremony after ceremony honoring themselves for being good a long time ago.

How to Take the High Road

When it comes to flipping shit at an opposing team or its fanbase, it's important that you act with a bit of grace and dignity. We should strive to keep the topic to hockey itself. It's even better if we have an opportunity to grab a position from the moral high ground while we're at it.

Aside from the obvious diving scourge that Habs fans will try to convince you is apparently a trait shared equally among all teams (it isn't; they dive more), the best part about the Habs is being able to casually agree with them that the team *could* be quite good except that Michel Therrien is their head coach. I wonder if he gives better pep talks since he cut his hair?

How to Deliver the Low-Blow

While I never ever EVER support taking cheap shots at your opponents' expense first. Sometimes they ask for it. You can pretend to cast your eyes down at them from your ivory tower or you can jump in the muck with them. Here's how to do the more-fun version.

Don't let them deflect you off to talk about Vancouver, Habs fans LOVE rioting. I think it's a bit of a carryover from the impotent rage they feel now that they're no longer able to call dibs on half the good hockey players who come out of the development leagues every year while still forcing a compulsive desire that the team be staffed and run with only people from their province.