I'm twitching as I type the following sentence: The Tampa Bay Lightning eliminated the Detroit Red Wings in Game 7 of the Atlantic Division semifinal. Nothing's settled yet, and I still feel like I'm on edge as I type this, even 36-ish hours after the fact, but I'm going to attempt to have my laughs and make Tampa Bay pay for the wrong they did in Florida to my favorite team.
We'll go through each Lightning player and punish each and every one of them accordingly based on the transgressions they've committed by eliminating against our beloved Detroit Red Wings. Revenge! We will not let this stand! S/t to commenter redwinger43 for contributing to these, and also to Cleveland Cavaliers fans for the inspiration.
He played all seven games in this series. He didn't play terribly when it mattered most in Game 7. Sure, he was tentative, but that's Detroit's fault for not taking advantage in the first 40 minutes. Still, goaltending being as important a position as it is, Bishop must endure a punishment commensurate to his contributions. I hope he has to fold enough fitted sheets to make a stack as tall as he is.
Boyle scored an annoying goal in Game 1 and then proceeded to not factor into the rest of the series. I hope he forgets his cell phone charger plugged in a socket at the airport. Preferably in Montreal.
Five games, five shots, minus-1, no points. This is guilt by association. I hope Brown gets asked multiple times a day, every single day, "What does 'J.T.' stand for?"
The infamous return for Martin St. Louis threw his weight around recklessly like the NHL condones. Surprisingly, his hits weren't the worst of the series committed by a Lightning player. I hope he likes milk with his cereal, because he's now banished to a lifetime of eating cereal dry.
Unlike J.T Brown, Carle actually had a chance to influence this series from the back end. So his blank scoreline and minus-2 actually mean something (at least, as much as plus-minus can mean something). It means that I hope he strips every screw on his next home improvement DIY project.
Bastard scored the game-winning goal in Game 7. I hope he gets lost in a house of mirrors.
Drouin played just one game in this series and ended up being a minus-2 in said game. There was plenty of talk about whether adding Drouin to the Lightning lineup might actually help them more, but they didn't like what they saw in the one game. Still, he's a part of the team, so he must carry out his penance. I hope Drouin gets subjected to the Red Wings' prospect treatment.
The former Red Wing had a goal and an assist (but was also a minus-5 haha). He didn't factor much into the results, but he also didn't play horribly. I wish he remembered more where his true loyalties should lie considering his time with the Red Wings got him his current contract in the first place. I hope Filppula opens an envelope full of glitter.
Similarly to Justin Abdelkader, Garrison entered the series partway through and provided a near-instant impact. A goal and an assist and a charge made for a pretty busy series for the blueliner. I hope whenever he sees a spider in his house, it disappears when he looks away to get a tissue to kill it with.
Hedman had three assists, which matched the production of Stamkos, so I guess that makes him the more valuable Top-5 pick at the moment. Still, I want him on the Red Wings and that makes me sad that we lost to him. I hope every blanket he sleeps in from now on is a few inches too short to make him feel comfortable.
The little bugger scored six goals in the first three wins for Tampa Bay. He didn't score in Game 7, yet the Lightning won anyway. I hope he likes spending the day eating cotton candy because every amusement park in America will have a very specific stipulation that if you're Tyler Johnson of the Tampa Bay Lightning, he must be 5-foot-9 or above to ride this this ride. Then he'll see the 4-foot-11 pre-teens being allowed in and wonder where he went wrong.
The Harvard graduate had two goals and two assists, including the dagger in Game 6. I'm sure he enjoys audiobooks. I hope he has to listen to an audiobook collection of Pierre McGuire's color commentary.
One of "The Triplets" provided four assists and was the target of the hit that got Niklas Kronwall suspended. The more important thing is the fact he still made an impact despite not getting any goals. I hope he gets an unquestionably clean Kronwalling again and again and again.
Morrow actually got scratched for a game, and I think it was the one where Drouin drew into the lineup. But the fact remains that Morrow did jacksquat for the Lightning in this series. Same principle as J.T. Brown though: guilt by association. I hope he gets traded back to Dallas and has to play as the goaltender.
Six games and zero shots (but one assist!) for the playoff rookie who looked pretty overmatched. I hope he waves to someone waving at him, only they're not waving to him but the person behind him.
Nesterov actually made me pay attention to him when he scored the goal in Game 1 that brought the Lightning to within one. He had two points the remainder of the series. I hope someone he really likes and talks to a few times then meets him again and ends their encounter with a hearty "Nice to meet you."
One of "The Triplets" who scored three points in the series, including the game-tying goal in Game 4, he really deserves pain for this hit which barely garnered any attention compared to Niklas Kronwall's. I hope Palat goes crazy trying to figure out which smoke alarm is beeping from low battery and replaces them all, only to have the beeping continue because it was actually the carbon monoxide detector that needed new batteries.
Paquette had one goal and a lot of laughs. My personal favorite was this because it was so dumb on his part. If he had gotten away with it, I would like it a lot less, but he didn't. I hope Paquette's bathroom light bulbs burn out and he doesn't have any replacements, but he gets to the store and realizes he forgot to check the wattage before leaving.
It may seem a bit cruel to punish Stamkos, when all he really did was just take up space in this series. Three assists and no goals for a potent goal-scorer would make him, shall we say, snake-bitten as the Lightning get ready for Montreal. I hope Stamkos doesn't actual get bitten by a snake but instead just unsuspectingly steps on a Lego. Or 10.
Stralman was so steady in this series for Tampa Bay, it was sickening. A goal and an assist, and he just would go about his business in his own zone. I hope he eats Hot Pockets, and when he does, the outsides are always scalding while the insides are still cold.
Dude apparently figured out how to play hockey or at least not mess things up for his team during the series. He was supposed to be a weak point the Red Wings could exploit, but nope, didn't happen. I hope he gets pushed down a set of stairs, but the one pushing him down grabs onto his shirt and hangs on so Sustr doesnt actually get hurt, he just gets scared to death.