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Where In The World Is Mike Babcock (Part Three)

Looks like this is the final edition.. Where will Babcock go? San Jose and St Louis have reportedly spoken to Mike Babcock.. So, let's talk about that.

Any day, now... Any day Mike Babcock will make his announcement on what team he will be coaching next season. We've covered the Flyers, Leafs, and Sabres. Good times there, but we got a brand new duo of organizations who are now in the race for the darling hockey coach. The San Jose Sharks and St. Louis Blues have entered the race.

Let's get the easy one out of the way first, shall we? The San Jose Sharks rumors are funny. A team loaded with decent talent, yet completely incompetent management wants to hire what will be the highest-paid coach in NHL history. Sure thing, bud. San Jose spent all last offseason signing goons like Mike Brown and John Scott, and then wondered why their team sucked so god damn much in the regular season. Who paid for it? Players like Joe Thornton, and Patrick Marleau, who housed most of the heat from the team completely underachieving after being one of the top teams in the West for so long. Good job, Sharks. You've taken an elite center like Thornton, threw him under the bus, and created public turmoil between him and Doug Wilson I'm sure Mike Babcock would be a huge fan of that, had it happened under his regime. You may as well be a Canadian team.

For whatever reason, San Jose stripped Joe Thornton's captaincy from him because he is a liability to their high-profile organization, must be all of those championships they won. From here on out, I'm going to strip the "C" from everything so that Mike Babcock can get a taste of what hockey is like in northern California.

The Perks of _oa_hing in San Jose

  • _alifornia is awesome. Sunshine, an bea_hes. Anyone in their right mind would love that.
  • You've got one of the league's best _enters in Joe Thornton, and a handful of other extremely talented forwards.

The Downsides of _oa_hing in San Jose

  • They signed John S_ott, thinking it was a good idea.
  • They signed Mike Brown, thinking it was a good idea.
  • It was 3-0.

Sorry, Jumbo Joe. Looks like you're shit-outta-lu_k here. You're stu_k with whatever nonsense they _ontinue to give you. Hope you _an get out soon, but until then, well, you know...

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Next up: The St. Louis Blues. HAHAHAHA. Oh boy, here we go. Where do I start?

Keep in mind, they technically still employ Ken Hitchcock (a dear friend of Mike Babcock) as their head coach. What a lovely display of "shake your hand while taking a big steamy piss right on your shoes" from the Blues organization. Great way to go about acquiring the best coach in hockey. I mean, there's no doubt about it, the Blues have the most readymade roster of any team in contention for Mike Babcock, they have a great core on both ends of the ice, and have been a "contender" in recent years. The problem? They choke harder than even the San Jose Sharks. I mean, you got beat by the Minnesota Wild in the first round. The Minnesota Wild. Before this year, they have been knocked out in the first round the two seasons prior at the hands of the Blackhawks and the Kings. I guess it's pretty kind of the Blues, if you think about it. They made sure TJ Oshie felt right at home over the past few years being no-shows in the playoffs. What with his "heroic efforts" in a meaningless shootout during the Sochi Olympics, which lead to him being a no-show for his country's team later on in the tournament. Some American hero he is.

I'm sure St. Louis can put up the payroll for Mike Babcock, but let's be honest here.. You couldn't pay me any gratuitous amount of money to live in St. Louis, Missouri. Miserable, gross, and full of complete shitheels. It is literally the toilet of America. We actually got a leaked photo of Mike Babcock speaking with the St. Louis Blues representatives:


Looks nice, Mike. Did they refill the toilet paper for you?

The Perks of Coaching in St. Louis (There has to be some.. Right?)

  • A readymade roster with players like Vladimir Tarasenko, and Alex Pietrangelo.
  • They have the big arch thing, which is cool, I guess.
  • If you need to get the fuck out because you realized how awful it, just jump on a raft and float down that big-ass river they have.

The Downsides of Coaching in St. Louis

  • They don't have an NHL-caliber goalie. Sorry, but it's true.
  • You have to coexist with Cardinals fans.
  • It smells like shit everywhere you go.
  • You're coaching the St. Louis Blues.. Kinda speaks for itself, don't you think?

Maybe they do have a great roster to work with, but the fact is that with that very roster, they have choked themselves out of the playoffs over the past four years. Yeah, Detroit's recent playoff history isn't all that great, but at least your family loves it here, Mike. Maybe they'll enjoy themselves for a month or two in Missouri, but then they'll begin to realize why the state's name is comparable to the word "misery."

That about wraps up this edition, folks. From what it sounds like, it will be the last one. Mike Babcock will make his decision in the next few days, so hold onto your butts. I must stress this to you, Red Wings faithful - If he stays, great. We have the best coach in hockey again. BUT, that means Jeff Blashill could find other opportunities elsewhere in the NHL. Maybe we don't mind that as much, but it's something that I have in the back of my mind. We simply do not know what Blashill would be like as a head coach in the NHL, but he's created so much success in the AHL with our prospects, you kind of have to be conscious of this. Either way you look at it, I think Detroit is in a win-win situation.