Some of the Detroit Red Wings have flocked to Detroit, as shown by the various optional skates and workouts the players have partaken in at Joe Louis Arena. Anonymous sources have told Winging It in Motown that after the on-ice festivities, the players decided to go out for a team taco dinner.
The dinner started off rather ominously, as Kyle Quincey jumped to the front of the line, demanding fish tacos. Tomas Tatar demanded the same, but when we pressed our sources about the circumstances, all they would tell us is "It made sense."
Darren Helm put his taco together in record time, speeding around the buffet table. Just as he was about to put sour cream on top, he dropped his entire plate onto the floor and the taco was destroyed.
For the rest of the team that made it to the table, the shenanigans continued. Pavel Datsyuk is known as a master of dangles on the ice, but he didn’t mince words with the taco he had. "I take bite, then team laughs at me. Salsa dangling from my mouth," the Red Wings' superstar Russian said.
Brendan Smith drew the ire of new head coach Jeff Blashill when the defenseman reached over for more limes and ended up knocking the coach’s extra taco order off the table. "I don’t know, I might have to reconsider using Smitty on the power play if he pulls this kind of stuff," Blashill joked.
Mike Green, one of the Red Wings free agent acquisitions this offseason, arrived and tried to sit next to Niklas Kronwall, but Blashill quickly took Green by the arm and moved him down a seat, explaining, "That's Jonathan Ericsson's seat; no one else is allowed to sit there." The former Washington Capital instead took the seat next to Danny DeKeyser.
Speaking of Jonathan Ericsson, our sources tell us that, while the eatery served only tacos and taco ingredients so patrons could make their own, Ericsson somehow made a churro. His partner wasn't so lucky, in terms of getting a chance to eat some dinner. Kronwall threw his taco down on his plate a bit too hard for the eatery owner’s liking. After trying to explain the situation, the owner would have none of it and decided to ban Kronwall for life.
The team captain took his turn next. Henrik Zetterberg winked at the taco bar, and a glorious taco made itself and laid down on his plate. He would have taken a seat next to fellow Swede Johan Franzen, but "The Mule" was too lazy to attend dinner, according to sources.
Then it was the goaltenders. Jimmy Howard made his tacos, and when he turned around to grab a napkin, Petr Mrazek swiped them off his plate. Mrazek, ostensibly in a sign of good will and solidarity, attempted to make up for the transgrassion by tossing Howard some hot sauce, but it slid right between his legs.
Even Jonas Gustavsson showed up to the festivities, with his face pressed against the window staring intently as the rest of the Red Wings had their dinner.
Seeing an empty chair at the far end of the table with the most expensive and delicious taco on the menu already prepared, Thomas McCollum waited a few minutes to make sure no one would sit there before walking in and greeting his Red Wings teammates at the empty seat. The team proceeded to congratulate him for getting the best taco off the menu.
Justin Abdelkader brought a piano in with him and charmed everybody with a custom rendition of "Let's Give 'em Something to Taco Bout." After dazzling the audience with his ivory tickling, Abdelkader took his seat next to DeKeyser. The two proceeded to have a prolonged discussion about the implicatures inherent in calling a taco a sandwich. One source contended that actually, it was DeKeyser who did all the talking. Abdelkader stared at him slack-jawed, wondering what language he was speaking.
Our sources made further observations, listed below in no particular order:
- Everyone expected Anthony Mantha to create the most delicious taco, but he burned his finger on the hotplate and ended up with only a taco shell and lettuce. Everyone was very, very, very disappointed.
- Stephen Weiss pulled an abdominal muscle just looking at the taco bar, and the owner paid him to leave before dinner.
- Joakim Andersson walked too slowly to get to the dining room, and everything was eaten by the time he got there.
- Luke Glendening fiercely checked everyone who attempted to approach the table, saying dinner was shut down.
- Drew Miller returned to the order counter after discovering that his order was one taco short.
- Xavier Ouellet and Alexey Marchenko were invited to dinner but had to eat outside in the parking lot. At a kiddie table. With bibs.
- Dylan Larkin wasn't technically invited but he made kobe beef tacos that everyone raved about.
- Dick Axelsson sat in the pizzeria across the street eating a taco pizza and pouting.
- Gustav Nyquist made a great taco, but when it came time to actually eat it, he spilled the contents on his lap.
- Tomas Jurco managed to get only three percent of his taco in his mouth. The rest missed the mark and ended up on his shirt.
- Riley Sheahan brought his puppy with him and everyone oo'ed and awww'ed until Todd Bertuzzi ran in and kicked it.
- Brad Richards enjoyed his dinner, but said last year, they had fajitas.
- Erik Cole showed up late, burned his tongue, and had to leave.
- Andreas Athanasiou showed up with a gyro, unwrapped it, paused after he noticed that everybody was staring at him, and responded, "Eh, it's basically a taco," and dug in.
- Dan Cleary stood outside in the rain, nose pressed against the glass, a single tear running down his cheek. Mike Babcock drove up in his truck and invited Cleary to go with him to a sandwich shop across town.
- Landon Ferraro didn't eat anything. He said he lost his appetite because Tony Granato wouldn't stop talking about his sister's recipe for hot steamy chicken parm.
- Teemu Pulkkinen's invitation got lost in the mail.