It’s that time of year again! Time for our writers to make some bold predictions about the upcoming hockey season. If you haven’t experienced this series before, our writers break into groups of three or four, and each make five BOLD predictions for the 2016-17 season. We then respond to our other group members’ predictions.
Yesterday was Volume 1. If you missed it, catch up here.
Feel free to put your own predictions in the comments and/or respond to our predictions in the comment sections.
Enjoy our predictions, and come back tomorrow for our third and final group: the veterans!
1. Connor McDavid wins the Art Ross trophy
Prashanth: Not unless Milan Lucic eats him
Josh: I'll take it one further: By at least 10 points. #McJesus
Lauren: And does it while literally carrying his Oilers teammates around on his back every game.
2. Tatar scores more points than Auston Matthews
Prashanth: Looks pretty good in a Ducks uniform imo
Josh: Just not as a member of the Red Wings.
Lauren: Uh oh, did giving Matthews the Connor McDavid treatment get too literal?
3. Colorado wins the Central Division
Prashanth: Talking about the Bantam League, right?
Josh: Maybe if they poison the Blues, Predators and Stars... actually, probably not even then.
Lauren: The rest of the division mysteriously comes down with a horrible season-long stomach flu.
4. Andreas Athanasiou scores more NHL goals this season than Thomas Vanek
Prashanth: Only because Cleary Cabana becomes Thomas' Trailer Park
Josh: Still wasn't a superstar in the AHL.
Lauren: Still won't get more than paltry fourth-line minutes.
5. Nick Jensen plays more than 20 games for the Red Wings
Prashanth: Exactly how many guys will be on IR?
Josh: Finds himself on waivers at some point anyway. He'll be a Hurricane by season's end.
Lauren: Multiple Red Wings defensemen are found stuffed in a closet with tranquilizer darts sticking out of them.
1. Dylan Larkin scores more than 60 points
Peter: I'll agree with this one
Josh: I'd be shocked if this doesn't happen.
Lauren: I swear to god if this jinxes it…
2. Thomas Vanek scores more than 20 goals
Peter: If half are on the power play
Josh: This is a good one. Who cares if only 2 come at even strength?
Lauren: Sure, I'll take it!
3. The Chicago Blackhawks will miss the playoffs
Peter: American hero and all-around stand up guy Patrick Kane won't allow that to happen
Josh: Patrick Kane will still be praised as a man of character who's overcome so much in his career.
Lauren: The Shaw trade will be named as a central reason for the miss.
4. The Carolina Hurricanes make the playoffs…as one of the top-3 seeds in the Metro
Peter: I think they could be top 3 in the Atlantic, but not the Metro
Josh: Sure, if Manhattan and Brooklyn were suddenly consumed by the ocean.
Lauren: Did the horrible illness from the Central spread to the East Coast too?
5. Drew Miller plays more minutes for the Wings than Andreas Athanasiou
Peter: And Athanasiou has twice as many points
Josh: And also will receive a contract extension at the end of the season.
Lauren: In the first week of the season, until he retires due to old age.
1. Petr Mrazek finishes in the top-5 for Vezina voting.
Peter: Is this binary? I could never understand binary.
Prashanth: You do realize Jonathan Ericsson is still on this team?
Lauren: Something tells me he's Nick Jensen's accomplice in taking out multiple Red Wings defensemen.
2. Gustav Nyquist and Tomas Tatar both score 30 goals.
Peter: On the same team?
Prashanth: Considering that the Wings haven't had 1 30-goal scorer in almost a decade, i'm gonna vote no
Lauren: They'll still get criticized for being too similar of players to one another.
3. For the first time since 2012-13, a Swede will not lead the Red Wings in points.
Peter: Yeah, but Nielsen snacks on Swedish fish, right?
Prashanth: Only because Jonathan Ericsson wanted to give someone else a chance
Lauren: Dylan changes his last name to "Larkinsson" to keep with the tradition.
4. One of Athanasiou or Mantha is not in the organization by the end of the season.
Peter: If this is true, I will be too sad to congratulate your prognostication
Prashanth: Yea I can't fight this one.
Lauren: I will throat-punch you for even saying such a thing.
5. Nashville wins the Stanley Cup, PK Subban spends his day with it in Montreal.
Peter: If it's not the Red Wings, I want so bad for this to be true that I will get a Subban Nashville jersey if it happens.
Prashanth: And PK will be ridiculed by people across North America for spending the day at the Montreal Children's Hospital
Lauren: If they get rid of Neal and Ribeiro ends up down a well, I might not completely hate this.
1. Bill Foley finally introduces the Las Vegas IsThisTeamNameTakens to the NHL.
Peter: I was holding out for the Las Vegas Dark Knights - "Phoenix, you only adopted the horrible hockey market. I was born in it!"
Prashanth: "quickly buys domain for that team name"
Josh: I'd buy a jersey and wear it all year.
2. Andreas Athanasiou scores a hat-trick of shorthanded breakaway goals in a single game.
Peter: Still doesn't get called up.
Prashanth: And we're reminded why we can't have nice things
Josh: For Winnipeg.
3. Kyle Quincey scores the last ever regular season goal at Joe Louis Arena.
Peter: An own goal that leads to a Detroit win and Detroit making the playoffs.
Prashanth: And the Wings promptly re-sign him July 1st, 2017 to a 3-year, $15 million deal
Josh: Has Kyle Quincey ever scored a goal at Joe Louis Arena?
4. Seattle begrudgingly puts in a bid for an expansion team and is immediately accepted by the league; Quebec City becomes submerged in salty French-Canadian tears.
Peter: The lake of tears then secedes from Canada
Prashanth: Can this happen? Like actually?
Josh: Out of all these predictions, I want this one to come true the most.
5. We see both the Sprouellet and the Tiny Terrors defensive pairings this season.
Peter: Tickets for the last season at the Joe will be affordable for AHL players.
Prashanth: I think I've decided that YOU are the one taking out defensemen
Josh: This regular season? Not preseason?