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So you've been eliminated: Why you should root for the Red Wings in the playoffs

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Your loser team is sitting home again while more than half the league continues on its quest to hang out long enough to lose to one of the three(?) real strong contenders for the Cup. Here's why you should root for the Wings to upset them all.

Sergei Belski-USA TODAY Sports

As a hockey fan, I know the Detroit Red Wings are a tough sell to outside fanbases. We've been in the playoffs longer than some teams have even existed and we've been around long enough to piss off people in BOTH conferences by now.  There are few things that bring hockey fans together like hating on the Wings out of jealousy (and possibly annoyance with Wings fans' haughty attitudes... but I think that's a myth because we all know Wings fans are awesome and humble).

However, I'll say that in a general hockey sense, the Wings make for a great underdog now. There's also the pandering Datsyuk angle that this is perhaps the last year that NHL fans will get to enjoy him and if you're a real hockey fan, then you enjoy watching Datsyuk.

But we also won't insult your intelligence by assuming all hockey fans think the same way. We know you 14 loser fanbases all see things differently, so I'm going to strive to give each and every one of you fans of a lottery franchise a reason to pull for the Red Wings this postseason.

Western Conference

Who's Your Team? What's Your Reason?
Edmonton Oilers Your coach won a cup with Detroit and our owners are both gouging the public for arena funding. We're practically brothers!
Vancouver Canucks You hate the Bruins, we hate the Bruins. You love Swedes, we love Swedes.  It's a match made in heaven.
Calgary Flames Because we miss Jiri Hudler just as much as you do.
Winnipeg Jets We share your desire to see Evander Kane not play very well after being traded out of Winnipeg. This may or may not be due to him being on a division rival, but hey, it counts.
Arizona Coyotes Our consecutive playoff series back in the day built up a lot of respect for what your team is doing out there. We especially like how you beat Nashville that one time. Seems about half your fans are Wings fans anyway, so we can relate.
Colorado Avalanche I'm going to level: Fuck you. Root for the Capitals or something. I don't care.

Eastern Conference

Who's Your Team? What's Your Reason?
Toronto Maple Leafs Your own coach was rooting for Detroit during the season. That has to mean something, right?
Columbus Blue Jackets Hey, we're buddies. We both escaped the Western Conference together and have always had kind of a friendly thing going (at least compared to the other Central teams).
Buffalo Sabres Imagine how great it will be if the Wings win the Stanley Cup and then the Sabres pass them and start beating up on them real soon. How fun would that be?
Montreal Canadiens We have the Original Six thing without being Boston or Toronto. Not as annoying as the Rangers and haven't won as much as the Blackhawks lately.
New Jersey Devils Remember the good old days when you beat us in the Finals and then we rooted for you against the Avalanche? Root for us for old time's sake.
Ottawa Senators If Daniel Alfredsson can come to prefer the Red Wings to the Senators, you can too.
Carolina Hurricanes We love and miss Bill Peters and also Andrej Nestrasil. I know you may want Eric Staal to succeed with his new team, but he'll be back in Carolina soon enough where you won't have to feel dirty rooting for him.
Boston Bruins See the Avalanche answer above. I hear it's fun rooting for Tyler Seguin. Give that a try, you cretins.

So there you have it. I've certainly convinced you now with my superior Red Wings fan reasoning. We'll be looking forward to all the new Red Wings fan this playoffs season. Always plenty of room on our bandwagon!