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Duck, Duck, Lose: Wings Downed 4-2 as Skid Hits Nine

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NHL: Detroit Red Wings at Anaheim Ducks Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

It’s Late Night Hockey time once again, friends. How many of you stayed up on this Friday night to see if the Red Wings will keep streaking into the top lottery spot?

First Period:

Power play early for the Ducks here, twenty-eight seconds into the game. Mike Green really wants this team to get Rasmus Dahlin. A couple of seconds of impressive passing nearly got the Ducks on the board, but Jimmy Howard couldn’t overcome his base instincts as a goalie and made the saves. Someone on #teamtank is going to have to talk to him about that.

Then the Wings got a chance on the man advantage with Ondrej Kase, who I am sure is actually a real NHL player, getting slashy against Andreas Athanasiou. It was probably jealousy over AA’s lush Greek eyebrows.

Nick Ritchie ended up on the scoresheet first as a tic-tac-toe play around the back of the Red Wings’ net finished with the puck behind Howard. Adam Henrique beat Jonathan Ericsson to a puck at the boards, slapped it cross-ice behind the net, where Kase backhanded it neatly to Ritchie for a quick shot in.

My question for those of you on #teamtank — during games, when the other team scores, do you actively cheer? Or do you still instinctually let out an exasperated sigh when your team is scored against? Not judging, just curious.

Luke Witkowski threw a hit on Cam Fowler in the corner, who was a little hobbled getting back to the bench. Ryan Kesler decided to give Witkowski a few shoves, and I was kind of looking forward to seeing Kesler get one-punch KO’d again because the Red Wings-hating Livonia native is that much of a weenie.

Back to the power play for Detroit as Ryan Getzlaf tripped up Anthony Mantha at center. This Ducks team is a jealous bunch, this time because Getzlaf wishes he could grow as much hair on his head as Mantha has on his face.

Watching that power play was the first time I realized that Jason Chimera plays for Anaheim, because I was completely unaware of that fact until he stopped the last-ditch try at a centering pass by Dylan Larkin.

Hahaha, we got a Witkowski fight anyway because Ritchie decided to take a go right off a faceoff. The two players were still jawing at one another after Witkowski ended up pinning Ritchie to the ice, but Ritchie seemed to get the worst of it considering he was still shaking his hand in the box. Smart.

Detroit finally got some extended pressure in the Ducks’ zone, with Danny DeKeyser keeping the puck in the zone and getting it over to Larkin for a shot on John Gibson. Larkin jumped on his own huge rebound off the Anaheim goalie’s left pad, instead shoveling the puck over to Green below the hash marks for an easy, empty-net goal.

First period ends in a tie. Intermission starts with talk about how the Witkowski hit changed the whole “temperature” of the game in favor of the Red Wings???

Shots: 11-9 Red Wings
Score: 1-1 tie

Second Period:

Only 21 seconds for the high-sticking penalty this period, as Ericsson caught Rickard Rakell on his way past the Red Wings net. My prediction for the third: Nick Jensen tries to complete the trifecta but somehow ends up injuring both goalies through a series of cartoonish sequelae.

The Ducks seemed to think they scored a second goal, despite the referee signaling the tally being on the opposite side of the net from where Howard was lying on the ice, blocking the view of the play. It seemed like the stripes were only reacting to the Anaheim players throwing their arms in the air. The Situation Room confirmed the Derek Grant goal, and video from the camera inside the net showed it maybe (probably) crossed the line? But not enough evidence to turn over the call on the ice, I’m assuming, so the Ducks took the lead again. Gross.

Too much duck on the ice led to another Wings power play. Corey Perry was picked to serve the penalty for Anaheim, probably because he was getting hungry and his teammates were getting sick of him gnawing on the communal water bottles on the bench. The penalty box guy doesn’t need a whole case, right?

We’re back to a tie game as the superior fowl, Gustav Nyquist, jumped on fanned passes back from Henrik Zetterberg and then Justin Abdelkader to put the puck past Gibson. Then it’s back to the man advantage for Detroit once more as Kesler slashed Darren Helm. Not hard to see the reason this time, as Kesler clearly can’t handle that Helm is just a much prettier man.

Kesler’s jealousy nearly paid off for his team as a blocked Zetterberg shot turned into a shorthanded chance the other way with Andrew Cogliano leading the charge. Remember how his Iron Man streak was ended by a suspension? Sucks to suck, dude.

Things happened for about six minutes of game time but I was distracted by all of the Good Boys in my twitter feed. How many brackets are destroyed with that UMBC win over Virginia tonight? (Apparently, all of them.)

I tuned back in just in time to see the Trash King Perry score. I have one rule for the Wings at this point of the season: you can lose a bunch of games and get the top lottery spot, and I won’t be upset, but only if you never let the players I hate score on you. The Wings just broke that rule so now I have to give them my patented Disappointed Fan look over the top of my giant coffee mug.

Oh my god we have another fight and this time it’s Perry against Abdelkader. What even is happening.

Aaand now it’s Kesler versus Mantha. How about no, please.

Nearly more fights with 9.1 seconds left in the period. Getzlaf decided to get in a verbal sparring match with Ericsson, which ideally would lead to a repeat of the time Ericsson fought and handily beat Steve Ott back in Ott’s Dallas days. Instead, it led only to closeups of Getzlaf’s dumb face because he literally wouldn’t shut up.

Shots: 27-20 Ducks
Score: 3-2 Anaheim

Third Period:

A quick math problem for you all: Two players from Anaheim and two players from Detroit are in their respective penalty boxes. How many wings are sitting in the sin bin?

Oh hey, now Kesler scored a goal. Another Disappointed Fan Look for you, Red Wings. For shame, letting that happen.

Athanasiou got a shot through traffic that ended up leading to an Anaheim chance the other way, the third whole shot for his team in the first eight-ish minutes of this period. Hooray!

FSD talking about Nyquist’s durability seems like a really good way to jinx the bejeezus out of a player. Don’t you put that evil on me, Kenny Daniels!

Luke Glendening bodying down Perry at the blue line and allowing Larkin to get a pass out to Mantha for a chance in on Gibson is my aesthetic. Too bad Mantha sent it wide instead of scoring, or I’d be trying to find a way to print a gif to hang on my wall.

Empty net for Detroit with three minutes left, promptly followed by Kesler taking his third trip to the penalty box for cross-checking Tyler Bertuzzi in the back after knocking him down. At this point, I think it isn’t jealousy, it’s just that Kesler is a giant fartsniffer who has to get his shots in at opponents in the last minutes of a game his team is winning.

Six-on-four for the Wings led to nothing in the goals department, in case you were worried the team might actually make the comeback and get a point. And with that ninth straight loss, combined with the Senators winning in overtime against the Devils, the Wings have dropped into 28th place in the league.

*cues the Ke$ha music*

We’re goin’ down, I’m yellin’ Dahliiiiiiiiiin
You better lose, a better chance
Let’s make a year, you won’t rememberrrrrr
Ras is the pick, you won’t forget!

Shots: 36-30 Ducks
Score: 4-2 Anaheim

Final Thoughts:

  • Calling the Ducks a bunch of assholes is anatomically incorrect. The proper term is “cloaca.”
  • Hey remember when Corey Perry lost a fight to Pavel Datsyuk? Good times.
  • Time for my favorite Ducks gif!
  • A follow-up to my math question from earlier: Does it change your answer if the players are Ryan Kesler, Corey Perry, Anthony Mantha, and Justin Abdelkader?
  • I spent too much time (read: more than two seconds) considering the irony of the prevalence of beards in a league where the players are surrounded by blades. Because you know, skates and sticks, amirite? *dodges tomatoes*
  • This nine-game losing streak matches the Wings’ longest since 1986, according to FSD. They can’t find the light at the end of the tunnel, but don’t worry, Darren and Mick. That bright, shining beacon of hope is across the pond as we speak.