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Wings lose 4-1. Devils score 4 goals in 4 minutes.

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Four minutes of hell. Like, super-duper hell not just the usual. And lots of penalties. Again.

Detroit Red Wings v New Jersey Devils Photo by Andy Marlin/NHLI via Getty Images

First Period

We start the game with technical difficulties from FSD. A sign of things to come?

AA draws a hooking penalty from 52 seconds into the first and to the powerplay we go! Severson to the Penalty Box. Wings keep the puck in the Devils end, which is good, but do not score, which is expected. The turn tables as Helm now finds himself in the Criminal Cubicle for the classic (stupid) puck over the glass penalty. Wings on the penalty kill at 3:22. Success!

CLANK. Palmieri hits the post. Best chance either team has had so far.

Larkin moving the puck very well playing with Mantha and Helm. That line is honestly making the Devils look kind of silly in that they can barely clear the puck out of danger let alone form their own rush.

Breakaway Bertuzzi, great opportunity but Blackwood makes the save. Bertuzzi gets high-sticked for his trouble (negligence not maliciousness). Greene hits the Bad Boy Booth and Wings on the powerplay at 11:18. They almost immediately give up a shorthanded break but Bernier takes care of it. Hronek gives AA a shot perfectly set up with mood lighting and cute little decorative doilies on the table but AA passes it to a Devils player instead. Very rude.

Ken Daniels repeatedly reminds us how the Devils have won two of the past three draft lotteries.

Bertuzzi charging in with Filppula, Bertuzzi wisely does not pass to Filppula and snaps a quick shot and PING hits the goalpost, hooooboy that was close. Red Wings are really looking like a proper hockey team this period. Or are the Devils just bad? Let’s say the Wings are good.

With under 30 seconds to go, Fabbri blocks a shot by P.K. Subban and the puck is picked up by Larkin who misses the net and bangs his stick in frustration. Larry Murphy reports he threw his pen on the table in solidarity.

Wings out-shoot Devils 12-4 and score is 0-0. Mantha leads forwards with TOI of 8:15.

Did you get that?

WINGS LEAD IN SHOTS 12-4.

Second Period

2:59 we have a high-sticking penalty and Bertuzzi heads to the Timeout Terrarium. Wings on the penalty kill. Bernier has things locked down and the penalty is killed.

Arm goes up and a delayed penalty is coming up, Bernier heads to the bench. Larkin setup for a one-timer and Wings keep control of that rebound, but Devils do touch and it’s powerplay time! Wood is in the Evildoer Enclosure for tripping Biega. An open net waiting for Larkin who whiffs the shot.

Red Wings are starting to Red Wings-it, giving up a shorthanded break but Daley does enough to stop it. However, Green crosschecks Coleman and negates the last 30 seconds of our powerplay as he takes his place in the Asshole Aquarium.

Almost halfway through the period and another penalty on the Wings. Distinguished Good Boy Gustav Lindstrom is falsely thrown in Juvie Jail for a classic (stupid) puck over the glass penalty. Lindstrom has the ol’ out of the box breakaway and PING hits the goalpost. Great work by the kid.

The second period Red Wings have arrived! They’ve gone six minutes without a shot and celebrate by committing ANOTHER SPORTS CRIME. Biega interferes with Wood and finds himself in the Sadness Stall and Wings on the penalty kill again.

Penalty killed. Then, CLANK. Goalpost saves a goal and Bernier can unclench. Shots are no longer lopsided at 16-13 but still in favor of the Wings.

Just under 5 minutes to go and guess what? ANOTHER [redacted] PENALTY! The Wings are back on the powerplay. Biega gets checked from behind and Coleman is going in the Punishment Pen. This is our 4th powerplay and the Devils just completed their 5th if anyone is counting.

Here’s one you haven’t heard yet, GREECE LIGHTNING STRIKES! AA makes it 1-0 Red Wings. Our powerplay had power.

That’s how we’ll end the period, Wings up 1-0.

Third Period

Two minutes in and the net is off because....

The wrong green scores as Greene blasts a shot through traffic that finds the net. Tie game 1-1. The Devils are awake now and remembering they are playing the Red Wings.

2-1 Devils. Simmonds at 6:54.

Bernier made a big save and Ozzy is so optimistic that it will be a gamechanger.

IT’S PENALTY KILL TIME! Finally, it’s been forever since we’ve had a penalty called. Biega gets a delay of game for “smothering puck” and sits in the Consequences Coopand Simmonds scores again. 3-1 Devils.

Bratt scores. 4-1 Devils. In honor of the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse.

That’s 4 goals in 4 minutes. The third period is brought to you by the Second Period Red Wings. Second Period Red Wings: When you need the wheels to fly off fast.

Only a few more minutes now.

It’s over.

Wings lose 4-1.