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Absolute disaster. Wings lose 5-1 after Lightning strike 3 times in first 5 minutes.

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Game? What game? It was three periods of Ken and Mick storytime with sad hockey in the background.

Detroit Red Wings v Tampa Bay Lightning Photo by Scott Audette/NHLI via Getty Images

Mick Quote of the Pre-game: “[Fabbri] didn’t cost very much at all, no offense to anybody”

Our starting lines:

First Period

I wish I could tell you the Wings did not give up a goal in the first 5 minutes. I wish I could tell you the Wings did not give up a goal in the first 2 minutes. I can’t. Red Wings get caught in a line change at 18:26 and Tampa has all the time and space in the universe. 1-0 Tampa.

17:38 and we’re on the penalty kill! Mantha to the Bad Boy Box for hooking.

17:13 and now we play some 4v4 hockey. Palat goes to the Punishment Pen for tripping. Mickey says “4 on 4 hockey, let’s have some fun”! We do not have fun. The wrong #71 scores and it’s 2-0 Tampa. WE ARE ONLY 4 MINUTES IN.

Guess what? TAMPA SCORES AGAIN!!! WE ARE ONLY 5 MINUTES IN. 3-0 Tampa.

Calvin Pickard enters as tribute. I assume Greiss has gone to smash some crates and throw some barrels. To be clear, Greiss did nothing wrong other than show up. The poor fool.

Good news, we are halfway through the period and it is still 3-0. We only have 2 shots on goal. Ken and Mick are already telling stories instead of commenting on the game.

6:52 and Coleman cools off in the Antagonist Abode for hooking. It’s time for a RED WINGS POWERPLAY! As everyone knows, our powerplay has been incredible, in a bad way, all season. The Wings don’t fail to disappoint and the penalty is killed.

The period ends 3-0 Tampa and shots are 8-7 in their favor. Which I’m not sure makes us look better or worse.

Mickey Redmond QOTP: “Taco Bell Take: Nobody listened.”

BONUS MICK QUOTE: “I don’t even know how to spell ‘digital’”

Second Period

Gagner is imprisoned in the Sports Crimes Cubicle and Tampa has a full 2 minute powerplay to start the period. Ken and Mick are still just telling stories and don’t mention anything happening on ice for the first 30 seconds. No complaints from me. Penalty killed.

15:51 and the Wings are back on the powerplay! Maroon is off to the Timeout Terrarium for slashing. The Red Wings successfully kill the Red Wings powerplay.

Stamkos takes the shot, it bounces off of Staal’s foot over the Point who easily chips it in while Staal falls down. 4-0 Tampa at 12:34.

Here come the Red Wings, MANTHA SCORES! 4-1 Tampa. Nifty little goal from The Big Frenchman at 10:10.

Tampa scores again...maybe. Looked like it was knocked in with a high stick, but once the replay angles started rolling in it was low enough. Good goal. 5-1 Tampa with 8 to go.

A few seconds later and Filppula heads to the Misdeeds Mansion for Too Much Handsome. Ok actually it was for the holdiest hold that was ever held. Tampa on their third powerplay. Penalty killed!

4 minutes to go and time for another Rrrrrrrrrred Wings powerplay! Frans Nielsen could have, should have, scored on the delayed penalty. Another day another failed powerplay and Schenn returns from the Void of Villainy.

We head into the third down 5-1 in goals and 15-13 in shots.

In lieu of a Mickey quote I’ll leave you this story:

Third Period

Mick and Ken are having a delightful time talking about the prison game mentioned above. They don’t call the game for a solid 1:30 this time. Again, not complaining.

17:08 and Wings are back on the penalty kill. Mantha is called for interference because...a player bounced off of him? False imprisonment in the Degen Depot for literally being Too Much Man. But that’s ok, because the penalty is killed!

KEN DANIELS WHY YOU GOTTA MENTION 2009 YOU MONSTER???? We all love storytime instead of calling the game but that is too far.

Speaking of the game, good news is 6 minutes to go and it’s still only 5-1. Shots are 23-15 Tampa.

Beautiful chance for Gagner who finds himself all alone and clank off the crossbar. An attempt was made.

And that’s it. 5-1 Tampa. We’ve lost 7 in a row. See you Friday night for Part 2!

Mickey Redmond QOTP: Uproarious chuckling at the replay of the Kronwallling for which Nik was [wrongly] suspended and had to miss that Game 7. Mick demands a replay just because he loves seeing it. “Oh baby lookout, head down, BOOM! Check your chicklets. Way to go Kronner!”