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A Hallmark Channel Exclusive: The Detroit Red Wings

How would you cast a Red Wings holiday movie?

Minnesota Vikings v Detroit Lions Photo by Rey Del Rio/Getty Images

No matter what December holiday you celebrate or don’t celebrate, there is no escaping at least a little bit of the holiday movie marathon mania. And even if you escaped it until now, by clicking on this article you have now fallen into the trap. It’ll be worth it, I promise*

*promise not valid.

What are we doing here? Glad I asked. We’re talking about some holiday movie stereotypes and how the Red Wings fit in...

The Basics

They’re in every movie in one form or another.

The Grinch: David Perron

Sure, he can learn a moral lesson and embrace the spirit of the holidays. But everyone will still remember his misdeeds.

The Critic: Robby Fabbri

You think Christmas is cool? You think Santa is cool? Get real.

The Keeper of Christmas Magic: Mickey Redmond

Jolly old Saint Mick. Ho-Ho-Holy Jumpin does this guy ever bring timely wisdom and comfort. Helping solve a moral dilemma, getting someone to see that the real gift is the gift of family, whatever it is. He says the right thing at the lowest point of the plot to bring the main character around. He’s going to bring Robby Fabbri around to the magic side, too.

Family Failure Stories

Christmas Vacation, Jingle All the Way, etc. I’ll even throw in Die Hard*.

The dad who breaks everything: Alex Nedeljkovic

He really means well and he’s such a good guy. Tries hard, loves the holiday.

Stressed-out mother: Ville Husso

She always has to have things under control or the whole operation falls apart. She’d love some competent help.

The irritating nemesis: Oskar Sundqvist

Whether it’s the neighbor with better Christmas lights, that bitch who always wins the bake-off, the guy hitting on your wife, or a crazy Christmas pageant mom. There’s always somebody who smiles too much and just pisses you off.

The airport worker who can’t help you: Jordan Oesterle

What do you think they’re going to do? Make it stop snowing? Kick someone off the flight?

The transit worker who absolutely will help you: Jakub Vrana

*Whether or not Die Hard is a Christmas movie isn’t the discussion, but Argyle is an example I will bring up here. There could also be a taxi driver who drives too fast and/or turns off the meter. Anyone who would say “sure thing” without blinking if you jumped onto the bus and said FOLLOW THAT SLEIGH. Or simply the conductor who drives a magical Christmas train.

The guy who lets you off with a warning: Andrew Copp

Gotta have some cops who just ignore crimes altogether for the greater good of the holiday. Maybe they’re even just incompetent or just show to pick up the pre-wrapped criminals.

The mean dog: Tyler Bertuzzi

Somebody is always getting barked at by the Junkyard Dog.

Hallmark Movie Cliches

There are lots of Hallmark holiday movies, and they’re all kind of the same. Here are some of the characters you could expect to run into during a movie marathon.

Home for the holidays: Lucas Raymond

You need someone who is mildly interesting but still figuring things out. You don’t want someone too exciting or too established, otherwise the plan to keep them from going back to their previous life won’t work!

Matchmaking friend: Pius Suter

Non-threatening and likable sidekick. He’s someone who is there!

Small-town love interest: Dominik Kubalik

He’d probably love to own a Christmas tree farm. He’s got that kind of “I want a Christmas tree farm” face. Give him one of Mick’s flannels and some sturdy work boots and there you go.

The outgoing precocious child: Mo Seider

Because I said so.

The surly hard to win over child: Joe Veleno

Can’t have Mo without Joe.

The secret royal: Filip Hronek

Omggggg he’s been a prince the whole time trying to get a taste of normal life. Will the royal family accept some random American woman??

The big city boyfriend: Filip Zadina

You know he exists, you know what his general job is, but you don’t see him and a lot of people are rooting against him.

The corporate jerk: Ben Chiarot

He has a very good smug, smarmy grin when he wants to. He is going to shut down whatever quirky place or event everyone is counting on. He’s going to pave over the local ice rink and build condos. He sticks his hand out for a handshake and a character has to make a moral decision about whether to take the money.

Home Alone? Home Alone.

I’m not pretending there’s an overall category here. It’s just a few roles from Home Alone to end our list.

The kid with the violent plans: Dylan Larkin

He’s crafty, he’s bloodthirsty, and he finds his way into and out of trouble.

The bumbling antagonists: Robert Hagg and Gustav Lindstrom

The plan never works. And when it goes wrong, it goes WRONG.

The misunderstood outcast: Michael Rasmussen

He is actually a hero and a Good Guy. Just because he looks like a serial killer doesn’t mean he is. He might even have an army of pigeons, you don’t know. He definitely can swing a shovel.

The secondary nemesis: Adam Erne

Sometimes he’s competent and is good for the narrative.

“Lost in New York”: Jonatan Berggren

You know why.

BONUS

Krampus: Wes McCauley

He punishes you because he cares and doesn’t want you to grow up to be a jerk. It’s a thankless job, but somebody’s gotta do it. You better watch out.

Happy Holidays, gang!

And there you go. Some things to think about next time you’re watching some holiday films. There are lots of other cliche characters that could have been on the list. I didn’t even get into the classic storybook characters (like Santa Claus) or horror movie characters (like Santa Claus).

What are your ideas from your favorite movies? Share in the comments!