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If Red Wings players had Tinder

POV: Tyler Bertuzzi’s Tinder pops up and...

Minnesota Wild v Detroit Red Wings Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

Dating in today’s age is tough.

From finding the right connection to avoiding the creeps, people in their 20s, 30s and beyond have to jump through countless hoops in hopes of finding The One. In today’s pandemic-laden, social media-filled era, this means the use of dating apps.

For those of you who live under a rock, Tinder is one of those apps, most popularly used by people in their early to mid 20s. What does Tinder have to do with hockey, you ask?

Patterns.

Like every hockey interview ever, Tinder is chock full of enough cliches to fill an 80s movie. Upon these patterns, we can make assumptions about humanity, hockey, and the Detroit Red Wings. This will better help us understand who we are as people.

Okay, if I’m being honest, I just wanted to do this for fun.

What every Red Wings player’s Tinder bio would look like: Forwards

Dylan Larkin: A bunch of group photos with no way to tell which one he is. The bio says “Hockey player”.

Tyler Bertuzzi: A man holding up a fish in just about every photo. He’s wearing camo.

Lucas Raymond: Raymond would lead off with something like “I can juggle really well”

Jakub Vrana: First photo is him with a dog. The second, him with the Stanley Cup. His bio really sells that he loves dogs.

Robby Fabbri: Replies to every person he matches with with just “Hey”.

Pius Suter: All of his photos are uncropped screenshots from the Red Wings’ Instagram. You can see his battery percentage in the corner of each image.

Michael Rasmussen: “6’6” because apparently that matters”.

Filip Zadina: The dragon emoji and 10 pictures of him doing the exact same pose in different locations.

Vladislav Namestnikov: “Here for a good time, not a long time”

Sam Gagner: “Looking for the Pam to my Jim!”

Joe Veleno: Lists how much he can bench. Somehow manages to mention Seider in the bio, too.

Mitchell Stephens: “Just a guy living the dream. I’ll make you dinner”.

Adam Erne: Not only does his bio mention crypto, but he leads nearly every match by talking about NFTs and crypto. He’s locked out of his account within a week for bot-like behavior.

Carter Rowney: First photo is him in a cast. The bio says something like “sign my cast?”.

Givani Smith: Pics look like something out of New York Fashion Week. The bio is just a bunch of emojis.

What every Red Wings player’s Tinder bio would look like: Defense

Moritz Seider: No words, just a link to a 12 hour Spotify playlist of EDM, house music, and...show tunes?

Marc Staal: A surprisingly well thought-out bio detailing his interests and what he’s looking for.

Filip Hronek: A bio that’s almost perfectly curated. Dog photos, action photos, a funny joke in the bio. It’s clear he enlisted outside help, but it’s paying off.

Nick Leddy: First pic is shirtless, second pic is him drinking a beer. The rest are group photos. The bio reads “Gym and beer”

Olli Juolevi: “New in town, show me around?”

Jordan Oesterle: “I like to hang out with my friends and have fun”

Gustav Lindstrom: Lists his Zodiac signs and the time he was born.

Troy Stecher: “Objects in the mirror may be taller than they appear”. Says he’s looking for the Pam to his Jim, thinking it was an original idea.

What every Red Wings player’s Tinder bio would look like: Goaltending

Alex Nedeljkovic: “From Ohio, staying in ❌ichigan”.

Thomas Greiss: Immediately describes his political views. For some reason, he always seems to get crazy matches in Tennessee and Florida.