Welcome back to the cusp of a brand new hockey season, folks! With the new season comes a new reason to live. Of course I’m talking about the light we bring into your world through the magic of our BOLD PREDICTIONS. In case you’re unfamiliar with the concept, we’re all going to tell you what’s going to happen this season and stake our entire internet reputations on how insanely intelligent we are. However, we have a BOLD twist to our predictions: After everything is said and done, we’re actually going to live up to the stuff we got wrong instead of pretending like we never said it.
Since we’ve grown as a family since we started doing these, we’re now going to break them down into three posts. Today, we’ll start off with the newest three participants. Each person gets four predictions to post and we’ll all have responses to those predictions. The person who gets the most right will get to write the bragging recap post and will also get to wear my crown as the undisputed master of prognostication.
As always, feel free to put your own predictions in any one of the three BOLD PREDICTIONS posts this week. We’ll give shout outs to the best of them when all is said and done.
WingedOctopus
1) Detroit makes the playoffs. Game 1 is in Detroit. Anthony Mantha scores.
| J.J.: | After deking out the shitty defenseman that Holland got in the trade |
| Jeff: | Detroit having home ice is less believable than Mantha scoring. |
| Kyle: | With a girl!! haha |
| uvgt2bkdme: | . . . to console himself after the loss. |
| Graham: | ….a killer snack in the press box as he watches the game from the Kindl Kavern |
| Christian: | And then suffers a groin injury while celebrating. |
2) Boston settles for a wild card and a first round exit.
| J.J.: | I can live with this |
| Jeff: | I’m going to [expletive] kill you. |
| Kyle: | Jeff gets a little bit sad |
| uvgt2bkdme: | Milan Lucic dials back his handshake line comments from killing to merely maiming. |
| Graham: | P.K. Subban drops his pants and farts very loudly in Lucic’s face, and every single good person in the world laughs and laughs and laughs |
| Christian: | Karma. |
3) Ryan Sproul cracks the roster sometime after Thanksgiving and scores more goals for the Wings this season than Daniel Cleary.
| J.J.: | I need more clarity on “Cracks the roster.” Almquist got 25% of the way to this last season in only 1 game. |
| Jeff: | This is way too specific to come true. I applaud you for your boldness. |
| Kyle: | Cracks roster because of someone cracks their back |
| uvgt2bkdme: | Roster then out for the season with a cracked everything and a groin injury. |
| Graham: | Only 4 of them are on his own net |
| Christian: | Sproul scores zero goals. Cleary just manages to score a negative amount of goals. |
4) Tomas Tatar is the only Red Wing this season to score 30+ goals.
| J.J.: | The six guys stuck at 29 are all happy for him. |
| Jeff: | He will score 30, but he won’t be the only one. |
| Kyle: | Opens another coffee shop |
| uvgt2bkdme: | Ken Holland thinks he could use more time in Grand Rapids. |
| Graham: | He is promptly traded for the first right-handed shooting defenseman who wants to come to Detroit |
| Christian: | Tatar leaves for the KHL after the Wings refuse to give him a raise. |
Kyle McIlmurray
1. Tomas Nosek will score a goal at the NHL level during the regular season
| Jeff: | Okay. |
| uvgt2bkdme: | Injuries to Pav, Z, Weiss, Helm, Gus, Tatar, and Jurco necessitate his call-up. |
| Christian: | For Nashville after being traded there along with a 1st round pick for Calle Järnkrok. |
| Graham: | For Florida |
| J.J. | Demands that Riley Sheahan be traded to keep him around drown out the goal horn. |
| WingedOctopus | Assisted by Calle Jarnkrok |
2. Niklas Kronwall finishes in the top three for the Norris Trophy
| Jeff: | He launches himself into the Norris discussion. |
| uvgt2bkdme: | He then proceeds to Kronwall everyone who didn’t vote him in first place. |
| Christian: | But loses to Erik Karlsson |
| Graham: | At the 30-game mark just like last year |
| J.J. | That’s gross |
| WingedOctopus | Lidstrom wins again just because he probably deserves it |
3. Petr Mrazek steals someone’s job
| Jeff: | Don’t forget the stairs, buddy. |
| uvgt2bkdme: | McCollum’s. |
| Christian: | Jim Bedard’s |
| Graham: | Who knew he was the backup plan to Mike Babcock leaving all along? |
| J.J. | Is it Torey Krug’s or Reily Smith’s? |
| WingedOctopus | Guess it’s a better prediction than the one that failed before this was posted |
4. Semyon Varlamov will finish the season with a sub .900 SV% and Colorado will be terrible
| Jeff: | No way. Not with Brad Stuart playing in front of him. |
| uvgt2bkdme: | Eh, I think he’ll be above .900 simply because he’ll be facing a nightly shooting gallery. |
| Christian: | Fine with me! |
| Graham: | This is the one I want to come true the most besides the winning the Cup one |
| J.J. | Yaaaaaaaaaaaay! |
| WingedOctopus | This I can get behind |
uvgt2bkdnme
1. None of last season’s conference finalists will make it that far again this season.
| Kyle | how |
| WingedOctopus | Only over Bettman’s dead body will this happen |
| Graham | I’ve already got the Kings and Blackhawks in the WCF in ink |
| Jeff | This could happen. |
| J.J. | What the hell happens to the West to make this work? |
| Christian | Calgary vs. Winnipeg in the WCF? NBC must be licking its lips. |
2. A Red Wing will win the Calder Trophy.
| Kyle | how |
| WingedOctopus | This implies the Wings actually give rookies full seasons |
| Graham | Drugs are bad for you |
| Jeff | Andrej Nestrasil come on down! |
| J.J. | You misspelled Cup |
| Christian | Landon Ferraro. |
3. Ken Holland will trade a player who plays on opening night.
| Kyle | It was nice knowing you, Danny. |
| WingedOctopus | If it’s Tatar so help me I will hunt you down |
| Graham | Please be Gustavsson please be Gustavsson please be Gustavsson |
| Jeff | Must trade a kid to make room for Alfie. |
| J.J. | Karen Newman to Chicago |
| Christian | Lashoff and a third to Edmonton for a bag of pucks |
4. Datsyuk, Zetterberg, and Weiss will all have at least 210 games played combined.
| Kyle | In NHL 15 |
| WingedOctopus | You really went all-out on this whole “bold” thing |
| Graham | Given Datsyuk’s going to be out for the first little bit you better hope no one touches Z or Weiss at any point this year |
| Jeff | Over the remainder of Weiss’ contract. |
| J.J. | Hahahaha |
| Christian | You added an extra “0” to 21. |
