Alright gang, I’m back from the hiatus nobody noticed I was on. Let’s have a chat about our beloved and beleaguered Detroit Red Wings. Things seem bad now, and there are plenty of hills to keep rolling down from here, and it could still get better. But that’s not the point. The point is, right now it is BAD and fans are SAD and maybe you are looking for something silly to take the edge off between hot takes and insightful analysis.
Grab yourself a beverage and let’s dive into how to enjoy the beautiful game of hockey even when our team is bad.
1. The King of Almosts Demands Tribute!
Ninth verse, same as the first. A beautiful pass, a golden opportunity, and—clank—the puck hits the post. But wait, they caught the goalie snoozing and he’s wide open and oh juuuuuuuust a bit (10 feet) outside. Hold on, a two-on-one developing. SHOOT THE PUCK LUCAS!! Or not, that’s cool. We must find a way to admire the sheer absurdity of the Red Wings universe that constantly puts the puck on a metaphorical silver platter only to see it ricochet like a bullet in a cartoon saloon shootout. Instead of choosing who will score the first goal, choose the King of Almosts – who is going to come the closest without lighting the lamp?
Bonus: Nothing says fun like turning pain into charity. For example, why not pledge $1 to the Jamie Daniels Foundation for every missed open net?
2. “I’m Just Here for the Snacks” is a Strategy
Note: Bad advice incoming. I am not a professional in any field.
Sports and snacks go together like…sports and snacks! When the sports are bad, the snacks get badder. Now is not the time to say “oh me oh my let me get my little salad and a single serving of lean protein.” NO. NOW IS THE TIME FOR CRISIS CONSUMPTION. POUR THE GINGER ALES.
Nothing takes the sting out of a two goals against in two minutes meltdown like ignoring your finger dexterity capabilities all together and just using your hand as a shovel. Crunch like you’ve never crunched before. Sip your cares away. Be the sourest kid in the patch. Eat an entire loaf of bread for some reason. No snack is a weird snack when you’re suffering through sports. Everyone knows that.
3. Invent New Excuses for the Losses
Many smart people have been examining the players, the coaching, the Yzerplan, the opponents, etc. And you know it isn’t your fault, so what’s left to blame? EVERYTHING! Let’s brainstorm some plausible reasons why the Red Wings lose that are out of anyone’s control.
Some examples to get you thinking:
- It was the moon. The stars were not in position. Mercury is in hand-grenade again. Neptune tried to eat Pluto.
- Derek Lalonde is a time traveler and it is necessary for the Wings to play exactly the way they are playing. You think the world is bad NOW? This is utopia compared to Future Newsy’s reality.
- The puck is actually controlled by Santa Claus’ tiniest invisible elves. The Red Wings will not succeed until J.T. Compher discovers the true meaning of Christmas.
- The ice was bad, but more bad for us than for the other team. Also the boards at Joe Louis Arena would have never done this to us.
- The bench was too comfortable and the locker room was too cozy.
- The blue Gatorade was 1.7 shades off.
4. The Enemy of My Enemy is My Enemy’s Enemy
The word of the day is “schadenfreude”. Whether your team is winning or losing, hating others is a critical part of the sports ecosystem. There is so much of the world demanding your hater energy, it can be hard to remember to keep a portion in reserve for the very funny foibles and follies of your foes. Be sure to peer beyond the borders of your sphere of misery and see what the rest of the League is up to. May I suggest taking a look at the Boston Bruins?
5. Build Your Own Hockey Pantheon
We all joke about the Hockey Gods, but who are they? Let’s invent some together and then you can say prayers and hurl curses appropriately.
- Pucknar – God of Puck Luck. He controls the bounces, deflections, rebounds, and delights in making the harmless become harmful to goaltenders who do not pay appropriate tribute.
- Zambonius – God of Ice. Your player did not “blow a tire” he was personally struck down by Zambonius! By His Might do we spray snow in the face of our enemy goaltenders and By His Grace do we see our enemies catch an edge and tumble merrily (and safely) into the boards.
- Clankoria – Goddess of Crossbars. If there is one deity whose favor you want, it is hers. She is whom we thank for every ringing of the crossbar and from whom we beseech forgiveness when our own shots hit crossbars.
- Danglerithun – Goddess of Playmaking. Threading the needle? Silky mitts? Tic tac toe? Coast to Coast? All these and more fall under her domain of agility, trickery, and crispy passing.
- Sscchkt – God of Hockey Noises. The puck hitting the boards. The puck hitting a stick. The blaring goal horn. All the sounds that fill our ears and bolster our hearts are thanks to this surprisingly silent guardian. He chooses no sides. He simply is.
So…anyone have any better ideas on how to endure Red Wings hockey when False Hope has failed? Sound off!
