An absolutely joyous tidbit of rumor milling on Twitter yielded this gem yesterday: “@Hope_Smoke: Kypreos: ‘people are already talking like Bylsma’s gone. One name that popped up a few minutes ago, to take over in Pitt, is Mike Keenan'”.
I don’t care about the validity of what Kypreos has to say, well, pretty much at any given point in time given his history, but this is solely about the image in my brain right now: Mike Keenan — aging, oft-fired, curmudgeonly old school Mike Keenan — leading the Penguins through the remainder of Crosby and Malkin’s collective prime? It’s a simple thing really, but the thought makes me practically serendipitous.
So I got to thinking: what would be the most pleasing coach-team combination for some other NHL clubs? Let’s find out.
Anaheim Ducks: Gordon Bombay
Well yeah, come on. Also: not Emilio Estevez. I want him to be referred to exclusively as Gordon Bombay, he has to wear clothing that he wore in the first movie (none of that “styling” bullshit from D2, by god), and Ryan Getzlaf’s mom has to be his love interest.
Boston Bruins: Bill Simmons
Malcom Gladwell and House are his assistants. No coaching ever takes place because they can’t stop emailing each other about how Rob Ford would have been kicked off of Road Rules weeks ago.
Buffalo Sabres: Dominik Hasek
Tell me you wouldn’t watch every Sabres game next year on the hope that he’d take the ice to argue with a ref only to see him slip and accidentally make a ridiculous save.
Player-coach. Jiri would never go the bench unless the Flames were on a PK or they were serving tasty snacks during a TV timeout. He would just stay in the offensive zone and carve dicks in the ice with his skate.
Chicago Blackhawks: Ed Olczyk
It can’t happen, but I might want this to happen more than I want to breathe.
Colorado Avalanche: Patrick Roy
This one is perfect. I don’t want to change it. He’s Darth Vader, he’s Shredder, he’s everything you want from a villain in your weird fantasy world where the NHL is also a cartoon for some reason.
Columbus Blue Jackets: an old lawnmower you have to push that hasn’t worked in six years.
Still wouldn’t be as absurd as the cannon/goal music combo.
Dallas Stars: Brett Hull
Brett justa kinda coaching but not really giving a shit. Leaves during the second period a lot. Wears t-shirts of various shades of white in lieu of a suit.
Detroit Red Wings: Mike Babcock
If I could pick one person out of the entire human race to coach the team I like, it would be the guy already in place. Lmao that is so rad.
Edmonton Oilers: Chris Pronger
WHY DOES EVERYONE ELSE ON THE BENCH LOOK SO SMALL FROM BACK HERE. I AM CONFUSED.
Los Angeles Kings: Donald Sterling
Ha I’m so topical. But really they could throw fruit at him and stuff.
Minnesota Wild: @AnthraxJones
Jones plays Ryan Suter 58 minutes a night until he turns into hot pile of human lasagna; Jones quits seconds later.
Well duh I want to coach one of these teams, and I want to pick the one where they don’t speak English so I don’t know what they’re sayin’ about me! This is a flawless plan.
Nashville Predators: bucket of chicken
“so first of all yee haw and all that, second i’d just like to say [leans in super-uncomfortably close] I taste so fucking good, man.”
New Jersey Devils: Martin Brodeur
Picture the Devils never giving in to this guy and he’s there like 30 more years. It’s not impossible.
New York Islanders: jesus christ dude I don’t care
New York Rangers: John Tortorella
Um, I wasn’t quite done yet with the Torts Era yet. Hell, he can coach any team. But he has to be involved somehow and if he isn’t, then this whole idea simply won’t work.
Ottawa Senators: just some good old fashioned nice people
Ottawa seems alright and sometimes I just want to see a bunch of nice people having nice conversations about their day, I definitely think this would make for a good hockey coach. If anyone raises their voice they are fired immediately.
Philadelphia Flyers: a traffic light
Hockey is at its easiest to comprehend when the Flyers are stupid. When the light is red they’d stand around and when it’s green they’d turn into a 28 Days Later type deal, only instead of killing people they’d give people swirlies.
Pittsburgh Penguins: a literal penguin
I know Mike Keenan started this but penguins are pretty cool animals now that I think about it. Plus if you’re worried about what life on the bench would be like, it wouldn’t smell any different than it already does with James Neal there.
San Jose Sharks: a choke valve from a car. Picture of a guy choking up on a golf club. The scene from Mrs. Doubtfire where Robin Williams gives Pierce Brosnan the Heimlich. MLB pitcher Randy Choate. David Carradine. (Co-coaches).
Do you get it
St. Louis Blues: an old CD player that is stuck blaring Seether on repeat
My other option was “The Missouri State Fair” because one time I laughed at the thought of Barret Jackman being the first person to ever die from corn dog poisoning.
Toronto Maple Leafs: Darren Dreger
“Sources from the inside are telling me that James Reimer is really mean and doesn’t answer people’s texts in a timely manner or sometimes even at all. Why would he do that? I don’t know, I’m just reporting the news here, but I know some people would really like some answers. I’m also hearing whispers going around that one of the defensemen has a tiny baby penis. As of now we’re unsure who this could be but if the team keeps losing, you can bet that info will be released like really quick.”
