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How to Hate the Atlantic: Detroit Red Wings

Detroit Red Wings

In the spirit of fairness, I should do one of these for the most-lovable of all the Atlantic Division teams (provided you’re an intelligent human). We’ve spent the last week and a half spouting hate everywhere else in the Atlantic, it’s morally right that we direct our gaze inward for a moment and really take stock of how detestable the Red Wings and their fans are. Being as Red Wings fans are the most-likely to act in a morally upright manner among all Atlantic Division fans, of course you should expect this.

Ok, I promise I won’t be as nice going forward. I owe it to the rest of the Atlantic to give it an honest attempt to really tear in.

What to Like About them

Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg are among the absolutely most fun to watch players in the entire league who comport themselves with the utmost grace and class. The league is better for having them in it. The league is also better for having the Wings’ defense in it because it means the league scores more goals than they should.

What to Hate Most About Them

With a fanbase of a team that owns the longest active playoff streak in the NHL by a big margin and has won four cups in the last two decades, there’s a lot to dislike about the overall spoiled, whiny, petulant, tinfoil-hat-wearing Red Wings fans. Also, straw is super-flammable. The Wings are annoyingly consistent and have been making hack writers look bad for years with their predictions of downfall due to the team being too old. In extra jerk fashion, when the Wings’ streak eventually does end, it will be for a reason other than the one that’s been trumpeted for a decade. That’s just mean.

How to Take the High Road

When it comes to flipping shit at an opposing team or its fanbase, it’s important that you act with a bit of grace and dignity. We should strive to keep the topic to hockey itself. It’s even better if we have an opportunity to grab a position from the moral high ground while we’re at it.

Nearly everything about the Red Wings is overrated. Longest active streak? Big deal. Coach Babcock is one of the best? Yeah, cool 1 cup there, Mr. Never-Won-a-Jack-Adams. Ken Holland is among the best GMs in the business? Yeah whatever, he couldn’t even get Matt Niskanen to come here for a seven-year $40+M deal. They draft well? Whatever, The Wings haven’t pulled a guy named Pavel Datsyuk out of ANY round in this century. Speaking of guys named Pavel Datsyuk, the one that the Wings have isn’t the single-best player in the NHL at 36 years old, the bum.

How to Deliver the Low-Blow

While I never ever EVER support taking cheap shots at your opponents’ expense first. Sometimes they ask for it. You can pretend to cast your eyes down at them from your ivory tower or you can jump in the muck with them. Here’s how to do the more-fun version.

Detroit fans are very sensitive about how crowded the rafters at their arena have gotten over the years. It’s become such an embarrassing problem that they’ve decided they need to build a new arena. How disgustingly insecure. If you ever want to end an argument with a Wings fan, just bring up all the banners.

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