One of the unfortunate realities of life is that not everyone on earth is a hockey fan. These people are good, well-meaning people, but often times, their lack of hockey fandom clashes with the dispositions of hockey fans.
Especially during the Stanley Cup Playoffs.
This post is addressed to you, non-hockey fans. So someone in your life is a hockey fan. That person’s team has just made the playoffs. You want to show this person you care about them, that you want to be a really good friend for them. Well, lucky for you, non-hockey fan, we at WIIM have provided you this simple etiquette guide for the hockey fan’s most stressful time of year.
DO: Provide chocolate/ alcohol/ time and space after a playoff loss.
DON’T: Say “It’s just a game” after said loss.
DO: Agree with their exclamations of “What a bullshit call!”
DON’T: Try to take the side of the referees or the other team. When playoffs come around, your friend’s team does no wrong, the opponents are a bunch of no-good cheaters, and the refs are always trying to screw your team over.
DO: Anticipate you may be woken up by blood-curdling screams at the most God-forsaken hours of the night because playoff overtime.
DON’T: Tell them they “should have gone to bed earlier if their team was just going to lose.”
DOUBLE DON’T: Jokingly suggest playoff overtime be replaced with the shootout.
TRIPLE DON’T: Seriously suggest playoff overtime be replaced with the shootout.
DO: Politely accept requests to switch seats if the hockey fan in your life asks.
DON’T: Question the logic behind such a request. We freely admit that sometimes entertainment can be devoid of any logic or rational thinking, so we do everything we can to maximize our entertainment (read: we perform every superstition we can think of to ensure our team wins).
DO: Pull the hockey fan’s hands away from their face if they’ve already bitten their nails down to stubs; they may yelp in your face now because they’re so focused on the game, but they’ll also thank you later.
DON’T: Attempt to talk to them during the game about anything other than the game. Be wary of the score when you approach the hockey fan. Don’t approach them during intermission either, unless you want a long-winded speech about why their favorite team is the best and going to win it all OR is a bunch of idiots that don’t know they’re going to get swept unless they get their shit together right f***ing now. I’m sorry, did I say that out loud?
DO: Provide comedic relief by poking fun at the intermission analysts, most especially guys with names like Mike Milbury and Jeremy Roenick.
DON’T: Suggest that any of the intermission analysts ever actually know what they’re talking about. That includes you too, Keith Jones.
DO: Become a hockey fan yourself and join in the glorious misery that is playoff hockey.
DON’T: Become a hockey fan yourself and join in the glorious misery that is playoff hockey.
So there you have it, the definitive handbook on how non-hockey fans can be even better friends to the hockey fans in your life. And if you happen to be in the unfortunate situation where two or more of your friends are fans of teams playing against each other in the playoffs?
Hahahaha, good luck.
