Happy Halloween (don’t @ me Australians)! Today I have for you a Very Serious Analytics Article about what the classic roles in scary movies (or horror comedies) are and I have very scientifically and mathematically determined who should play each role.
Bingo Bango let’s go!
Monsters, Murderers, Maliciousness, and Mick
Maybe the real monsters were the friends we made along the way.
Werewolf – Tyler Bertuzzi
Do I need to explain why our Junkyard Dog is a werewolf? No, I don’t. I will say he’s a mid-budget werewolf. He’s more than a dog mask and gorilla gloves or a closeup of a bat puppet. He’s wearing a costume that took a few hours and a team of 3 to put on because CGI werewolves are for talentless hacks.
Quote: “AWWHOOOOOOOOOOO”
Frankenstein’s Monster – Anthony Mantha
A lethal being made up of spare parts. The Big Frenchmanstein. More Aaron Eckhardt than Boris Karloff (look it up), but in any case he is not unfamiliar to the torch and pitchfork treatment and being labeled a villain due to circumstances beyond his control.
Quote: “[bellows in French Canadian]”
Vampire – Valtteri Filppula
I mean…look at him. If he could see his reflection he’d stand in front of the mirror forever and who could blame him? In fact, he’s even proven quite gifted in making himself invisible! Most active at night and depends on the energy of his linemates to sustain his career. Don’t let the Tampa tan fool you, it’s clearly a fake disguise.
Quote: “I don’t drink…blue Gatorade”
Zombie Type: Shambler – Trevor Daley
I’m not talking about a fast-zom driven by a rage virus. This is a stumbling decaying mass of human who is the barely living dead. He’s not a smiler. He’s not a talker. He’s always chasing but never catching. What else am I supposed to do with that?
Quote: [groaning] “Skaaaaaaaaaaaaates”
Suave Slasher – Jonathan Bernier
Goalies are crazy. The ones who don’t look crazy may be the craziest ones of all. Bernier is the model of the intelligent but insane monster of a man. We’re talking methods like Saw, the Collector, a pre-incarceration Hannibal Lecter, Kevin McCallister with more time and worse intentions, etc. Traps within traps, schemes within schemes, and a razor sharp smile.
Quote: “Hey neighbor, we can’t wait for the BBQ!” [Called to a literal next door neighbor and then jump cut to a scene where a trapped victim is trying to balance a candle on their head to prevent it falling into the surrounding pile of seriously flammable materials. DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS.]
Ruthless Psycho – Jimmy Howard
Remember how I just said goalies are crazy? This is the other side of the coin from Bernier and it’s all in the eyes. In fact, he would probably eat your eyes. Basically, if it’s taking human form and eating people without table manners, it’s him. He’ll chase you down without breaking a sweat, which is impressive considering he is the heaviest salt-sweater on the team. Not elegant, but undeniably effective.
Quote: [silently stares with a too-wide grin]
Apocalypse Gang Leader – Alex Biega
I don’t really have justification for this one other than looking at his photo and deciding this was it. Which isn’t that different from how I assigned everyone else. It’s very legit and academic. Anyway, I’d also include cult leader in this definition, but I’m personally casting him in less of a white linen outfits role and more Mad Max. He has the coolest motorcycle helmet and dramatic sunglasses combo and his signature attack is hitting grenades with a hockey stick at the enemy.
The Broker – Jonathan Ericsson
His offers seem too good to be true, and they are. He has the savvy of Ursula (the sea witch) and the face of an angel. Be careful what you wish for because no matter how safe and simple a bargain seems, Riggy will make you pay a price you can’t afford. If he sidles up to you and and starts on about how he couldn’t help but overhear or proposing what-ifs then you’re already in big trouble.
Quote: “Do we have a deal?”
Logical Machine – Christoffer Ehn
Thinking machines, or extra supreme organic beings, that determine humanity should be destroyed for The Greater Good probably aren’t wrong. However humans, like any half-decent virus, adapt and continue indefinitely, therefore slotting overly logical beings into the villain category. Although more and more humans are ready to side with the machines. If you live long enough, you see your villains become heroes.
Quote: “3…2…1…”
The Gentleman – Jacob de la Rose
While the Suave Slasher may have a lot of money to finance his extra-curriculars, he does it for the love of the game. The Gentleman has too much money and is bored out of his skull. The no-fun kind of psychopath. They’re looking for something to make them feel alive, because they’ve bought everything and are still empty inside. Probably owns an uncharted island but lives in more of a resort than a supercool secret lair. Hunts people for sport but doesn’t eat them.
Quote: “Let the games begin.”
BONUS: Poltergeist – Mickey Redmond
Just that delighted laughter echoing through the house as you turn your back for a second and BOOM there’s a pyramid of ginger ale cans on the table. Holy jumpin’ Jehoshaphat he sure did give you a fright.
Nerds, Fireballs, Airheads, and Lifesavers
Most movies won’t have all these personas and/or have one character covering multiple. But we have a lot of players left to cover, so here goes…
Catalyst – Luke Glendening
Ouijia boards, locked doors, creepy dolls, old newspaper articles, recordings, weird symbols painted in questionable substances, etc. Whatever item or information is necessary to kick off the creepfest, he’s going to make sure it has the group’s attention. He may also be the guy who notices something while monitoring the cameras in a ghost hunters story.
Quote: “Dude, check this out.”
Letterman Jacket – Madison Bowey
There’s always That Guy. Probably has an arm slung around his girlfriend 90% of the time. Maybe throws a football at a nerd from a convertible and gets his comeuppance later. Does this assignment have anything to do with Bowser’s personality? No, it does not. He just seems like he would look cool in a Letterman jacket. I’m sure his acting skills could handle this role no matter how nice he is in real life.
Quote: “You need to back off, bro.”
Missing Person – Dennis Cholowski
It might be a flyer posted at the school, it might be an article in the newspaper, it might be something characters find out about later that develops the backstory of why bad things are happening. Maybe he left behind a video or some letters. If they’re lucky, they may even get some screen time as part of a flashback.
Quote: None. But probably mentioned somewhere as Local Teen, Beloved Son, or Have You Seen Me flyer.
First Round Exit – Danny DeKeyser
Things are starting to get spooky and it was only a matter of time before a member of the group got picked off to establish the seriousness of the situation. A generally likable guy with an undeveloped backstory, you weren’t attached to him but everyone in the group thought he was a swell guy and there are a lot of screams and tears and dramatic slumping to the floor in shock.
Quote: “You guys are so stupid.”
Singled Out – Mike Green
Maybe he said “you two go that way, I’ll look upstairs” or maybe he was tricked into wandering away from the group by following a sound or a shape-shifting apparition. Could be checking the power or setting up equipment. In any case, he found himself alone while a group of three or more people were together somewhere else. His character was developed only to the point of having one strong trait (tattoos) but no real depth.
Quote: “…guys? GUYS?” [screams]
Maimed – Patrik Nemeth
Did you guys know Nemeth almost lost an arm to hockey? Between that and a history of fights and puck-blocking there is no one more qualified to play the role of the friend who gets injured but doesn’t immediately perish. If he succumbs to hysterics, he will live for a while but not see the sun rise if you catch my drift. However, if he grits his teeth and does something tough like wrapping a shirt around it and snapping “I’M FINE” or even self-cauterization then he has a good chance of being a main character.
Quote: “AHHHHHHHHHHHH”
Plot Device – Taro Hirose
There’s always that guy who knows the right combination of random things to develop the narrative. He can fill in the blanks for characters about what horrible thing happened at the haunted place and what the rumors in town are about people and places. He also knows exactly what language and/or religion those words and symbols and drawings are because he saw it in a movie or reads a lot of books.
Quote: “Ohhhh man, this is messed up.”
Consultant – Justin Abdelkader
When no one in the friends and family group has answers, it’s time to ask the expert. Older than the main character and usually weird. Probably has an eccentric collection of items used to further establish their character. Sometimes it’s a cleric or psychic you need to check out the evil vibe in the house. Sometimes it’s the friendly neighborhood librarian who has newspaper reels in that viewing machine that somehow everyone knows how to use. Maybe a relative of the Big Bad. Or they may just have a job title that ends in “-gist”.
Quote: “I’m sorry, I can’t help you.” [but has a change of heart and leaves a voicemail that would have been really helpful if the character had heard it in time]
Red Herring – Adam Erne
He has one of those tough guy yet blank looking faces. Makes him perfect for being spied on and suspected by nosy kids. Probably works as a laborer or at least spends too much time chopping firewood. Definitely has a collection of tools and sharp objects and a crappy car. Despite the creeper vibe he actually has good intentions which put him in harm’s way.
Quote: “Hey! What’re you kids doing in here!?”
Obstructing Authority – Jeff Blashill
Quite possibly a Sheriff, maybe on the payroll of a bad guy who is not the Big Bad but is still an obstacle to an important character who has gone to the local lawmen with concerns. Generally suspicious of all good guys including any out-of-towners who can quote one law. Probably chomping on a toothpick, gum, or an apple (99/100 characters who eat an apple on screen are so-called bad guys and if you haven’t noticed that before, now you will).
Quote: [scoffs] “Suuure, did you see Bigfoot and Sant-y Claus too?”
Rookie – Evgeny Svechnikov, Joe Hicketts, Givani Smith, or whoever is going back and forth in the pipeline
Goes behind the back of the Obstructing Authority (his boss) to help out the main characters whether it’s smuggling out a file, sharing the “real story”, or confirming an address or identity. Probably degraded by his boss who doesn’t remember his name and/or just calls him Rookie and sends him on coffee runs.
Quote: “I could get in major trouble for this, but…”
Concerned Citizen – Brendan Perlini
He’s a STRANGER but seems like a nice enough guy. This is the kind of guy who begins an episode of Law & Order. There’s always room in a plot for a delivery man who knocks and the unlatched door swings open or a garbageman making a grisly discovery or a guy just doing an outdoor activities and finding a dead body.
Quote: “Whoa.”
Freakout – Filip Hronek
Every man has his breaking point. When things start going downhill fast, one character will ignore all advice and warnings and do the emotional equivalent of a shirt rip (and maybe a literal one). He will grab some weapons and go running into the dark, he’ll yell threats at unseen ghosts, he’ll try to smash the cursed object, break through sealed windows and doors. If it involves being impulsive and going berserk, he’s on it.
Quote: “No, no no, f*%k this we’re getting out of here right the f&#k now.”
Traitor – Andreas Athanasiou
Whether pre-meditated, panic-induced, or the result of keeping a dreadful secret, somebody always commits an act of betrayal. He probably also found or provided Cold Ones at some point. He will meet a messy end if it was an act of cowardice like not unlocking a door to save his friends. He may also in the moment reveal himself as the architect of the whole thing and start a monologue. Should it be a dreadful secret that is the act of betrayal, there may be a short, but fatal, redemption arc.
Quote: “I’m sorry.” (sarcastically, if it’s pre-meditated villainy)
Phoenix – Frans Nielsen
His death was loudly implied earlier in the plot but he’s back, probably saving a main character from certain doom just in time! This is one possible outcome for a Freakout or Singled Out character, someone who has been missing and presumed dead. Also if at some point a Maimed was left behind but gone with evidence of a struggle when someone went to check on him. But he’s back and has found the way out or temporarily disabled the Big Bad to facilitate an escape.
Quote: “Did you miss me?”
Sacrifice – Darren Helm
He almost made it to the end but didn’t have enough plot armor to finish the journey. He’ll heroically sacrifice himself so the remaining characters can live. Maimed, Phoenix, Freakout, and Traitor may all take on this role but in Helm’s case let’s cast it as the perfectly healthy best friend or brother that the audience was rooting for the whole time and will always be a fan favorite.
Quote: “Get out of here. GO!”
Last Man Standing – Dylan Larkin
The one you’ve all been waiting for, who is the story really about? He may not see the sunrise either but he will be the last one taken down just when it seems he escaped. If he is not triumphantly limping his way out to the sound of approaching sirens, then he’s probably burning a house down with himself inside it for the good of humanity.
Or, he may have been the villain all along.
Quote: [scream of denial because the Big Bad survived and it’s not over]
That’s a wrap folks.
I did my best to keep up with the roster, plus Ericsson deserved one too on principle. Feel free to make your own assignments in the comments for anyone I missed or whoever inspires you.
Have a happy, spooky, and safe Halloween!
