Happy Saturday, my fellow Americans, also you nice Canadians and any curious Russians or perhaps fastidious Finns. Despite clear evidence that it’s a bad idea, the IOC has decided not to forego the rest of the Men’s Ice Hockey Tournament and just give the gold medal to the US squad. In fact, they’re going to force them to go ahead with a game against a team that might actually be better than them. Clear favoritism by the event organizers, if you ask me.
I’ll also welcome Red Wings fans to round two of a game I like to describe as “like fantasy hockey, except with real teams”, as I’m most-definitely puling for the Americans while also hoping that Pavel Datsyuk embarrasses the shit out of Patrick Kane at some point. My goodness, I’m conflicted. This must be what it’s like trying to remember to put your own oxygen mask on before tending to your children on an airplane (haha just kidding, of course I’m going first).
This game will probably decide which team gets first in the group, although weirder things have happened (also I’m writing this before the Slovakia/Slovenia game and I’m just assuming Slovakia is going to win [update: oops]). If goal differential makes a difference, the US currently has a +6 to +3 lead.
For a bit of extra fun, which is your least-favorite member of each team? For the United States, my vote is Ryan Kesler. While I think Patrick Kane is more of a hotdogging idiot, there’s definitely a chance that he’s actually growing up. Meanwhile, Kesler is 29 years old and he’s all set as a grumpy Wings-hating shart-gargler (Thanks @Whoabot!)
On the Russian side, it’s hard to go against Semyon Varlamov, the feckless dicklouse (s/t @Lolabythebay), but Alex Radulov is also a super-strong contender. The only saving grace is that Radulov only abuses coaches in the KHL.
What do you think? You dislike somebody else more? Why?
Go Team USA.
