As the hockey season creeps slowly closer for us, the fans who have waited since the days Derek Boogaard was just a regular joke instead of an overpaid joke, many recently got a reprieve in their boredom thanks to the release of EA Sports’ NHL 11. The new features are… oh hell, I don’t know featurey? Is that a word? At any rate, the new game lets hockey fans everywhere get into the game and pretend they’re already one season closer to a lockout. They can almost smell the arena, taste the cheap beer, and duck under the wildly uncontrollable slapshots from Mikael Samuelsson. I even heard that if you put in a cheat code in Be a GM mode, they let you play as Lou Lamoriello and sign Ilya Kovalchuk to a deal they won’t let anybody else sign forever. Unfortunately, I’m not among the fans enjoying this new game. I can’t afford the $60 for the update from NHL 10 now that Center Ice costs $8 more and Dan Ellis still refuses to pay back the money he owes me.
But don’t cry for me, I have other ways to keep myself entertained. I read that there’s an NHL Monopoly game out there and that the Ontario Teachers’ Pension Plan actually doesn’t own it. Unfortunately, with the money it would take to buy it and have it shipped here immediately, I may as well buy the damn video game. Instead, I’ve got a sharpie, an old copy of Monopoly, and a lot of time before training camp starts, so I’m making my own version of NHL Monopoly. Join me after the jump, or don’t. Your loss, pal.
Still here? Good. Now, there are 28 spaces on a Monopoly board that a player can own. That’s ok though, because of the 30 teams in the league, I’m pretty sure at least two of them aren’t worth any money anyway. Let’s take a trip around the board starting at Go and see where we land.
The Purple Spaces – The most worthless spots of real estate on the board. One would seriously wonder why anybody would bother building anything on these properties. Here are your Florida Panthers and Atlanta Thrashers. Fortunately, it doesn’t cost a lot to stay here if for some reason you end up there looking for some hockey.
Income Tax – Replaced by “Escrow”. Player must give 12% of the money collected from Go back to bank while trying not to grumble about this being all Marian Hossa’s fault.
Reading Railroad – The first of four Railroads on the board and also in a questionable part of town. Renamed the St. Louis Blues Railroad.
The Light Blue Spaces – Not great, but they get decent traffic, despite being right next to a jail. The Stars, Blue Jackets, and Islanders go here.
Jail – Anybody ever notice the guy in the drawing behind bars looks kinda like Boots del Baggio?
The Maroon Spaces – Just as you think you’ve turned a corner as a franchise, you land here. The Carolina Hurricanes, Anaheim Ducks, and Ottawa Senators fill these spaces.
Electric Company – Tampa Bay Lightning. 1) duh and 2) the utilities are cheap
Pennsylvania Railroad – The Flyers are not only from Pennsylvania, but they’re also on the cheap half of the board.
The Orange Spaces – Almost halfway there, but not quite. The Nashville Predators go here (probably where Tennessee Avenue sits), as do the Minnesota Wild, and the Calgary Flames.
Free Parking – Everybody owns free parking and it’s not worth anything… just like the Coyotes!
The Red Spaces – Hooray, we’ve now come to the crappiest of the expensive properties! Here, the Capitals rock the red alongside the Kings and the Maple Leafs. I hear after you put up four houses on the Leafs, you get a Lebda for only $1.5 million.
B&O Railroad – The Oilers ride these rails, because I always read it as the B.O. Railroad and they stink.
The Yellow Spaces – We’re getting there as far as valuable properties, but these guys are closer to going to jail than winning the cup this year. Here we have the Hawks, Bruins, and Sabres. Enjoy being the color of pee, jerks.
Water Works – Colorado Avalanche. See my comment above about the utilities sucking and add in their whiny fans and we’ve got a property ripe for altogether forgetting.
The Green Spaces – Serious contenders to the high-value spaces or just pass-through space-fillers? Here lies the Sharks, Penguins, and Devils. You always hate landing on these spaces.
Short Line Railroad – The Montreal Canadiens live up to the name here. The only ride at the amusement park with no minimum height requirement.
Park Place – Almost completely put together, but still the dark blue space that you just settle for rather than actively want. Say hello to the Vancouver Canucks.
Luxury Tax – The Rangers would love if this existed so they could somehow spend millions more on players and still be an unmitigated disaster.
Boardwalk – The pinnacle of Monopoly spaces. Could it be anybody else but the Red Wings? If your answer is yes, then shut your mouth.
So that’s it. I’d include a picture, but I’m pretty sure I’d get sued for what I’ve done to licensed property. Too bad too, you should see how I made Uncle Pennybags look like Gary Bettman with a cane up his ass.
