Leveraging our unlimited resources here at WIM, we’ve procured the tapes to next season’s opening episode of the popular FOX program, 24. Details after the jump.
(cue the ticking clock music)
(Weapon drawn, Jack Bauer enters the office at CTU with the print out of an email, steaming pissed)
BAUER: WHAT IN THE HELL IS THIS, CHLOE?!?!
CHLOE: (who is now running CTU): It’s a letter of suspension, Jack
B: Letter of suspension?
C: That’s right Jack, we’re putting you on ice. We’ve got a new man now. (nods to the corner at Cole Ortiz, played by Freddie Prince Junior)
Freddie Prince Junior: Hey Jack…I don’t want this to be all awkward…
B: Chloe, you can’t be serious. I’m THE MAN around here! Who led CTU to 8 seasons of successful terrorist thwarts and sky-high ratings on FOX? ME! Who took care of President Palmer and dealt with all that drama from his brother Wayne in Season 5? THAT WAS ME! Hell, I even landed that guy a job shilling insurance! And now you’re putting me on the back burner?
C: Jack, we’re not firing you, we just think you’re a little overworked right now. (awkward pause) …and frankly, while we appreciate what you’ve done around here in the past, we need to look at your recent performance. Freddie Prince is WAY outplaying you right now and with our national security on the line, I don’t think we can afford to put out anything but our A team. If it’s any consolation, we’ve got a temp spot reserved for you on Mitchel’s team as a shooting dummy over at the FBI.
B: Shooting dummy? I don’t need any target practice –
C: No, you ARE the shooting dummy. They’re shooting at you. With real bullets. But we think you’ll be OK. It turns out they just burned through their last batch of fake targets and they need something a bit more realistic. Something that can, you know, stick and move a bit.
B: That’s quite a coincidence. Or maybe not. We’ll see how it goes.
Freddie Prince Junior: Listen Jack, I still want you on call, just in case anything happens to me. There’s so much I can learn here. You’re not going to be working ALL THE TIME, but is that such a bad thing? Go spend some time with your daughter. Read the paper. Hit up the gym a little more. Tinker with that risotto recipe you’ve been talking about lately.
(Bauer takes a breath, shakes his head)
B: To me that’s not a good way of doing things, to let one guy get stagnant. You have to have both guys going…we have to have two guys in case something happens.
C: Point taken, Jack, but even if we went to a true two man rotation, we not sure you’re worth putting out in the field. You’re a liability these days.
B: I’ve always tried to do things my way. I’ve never been popular.
C: No, we’re not talking about the brutal tactics and pissing off the president. Actually, we wish you’d do more of that. …but that time you were in Bali a month ago…where you shot that guy in the leg during the interrogation and it ended up being the wrong person? That was a massive headache for the department.
B: I’ve been playing this way for six, seven years. It’s just that people are recognizing it now.
C: Jack, you shot a 80 year old MAN! We were looking for a woman!
B: I can’t do anything about that. I don’t even think too much about that stuff any more.
C: And then today, during training, you pulled a hammy getting out of the tactical support van!
B: It was tough. I haven’t played in a month. I think if I played a little more…
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Stay tuned to WIM for the latest on all the action!
