Music at NHL arenas is a vital part of the arena-going experience for the National Hockey League, as they try to provide as much entertainment bang for fans’ bucks as they can. While some arenas keep us entertained with a mix of classic rock and more contemporary fare, others haven’t updated their 8-track collection since the last time Roman Polanski was allowed in the U.S. Inexplicably, some teams choose to play only one song every single time a player scores a goal as it’s kind of their “thing”. This can lead to fans discovering, liking, getting tired of, and seething with rage over the Fratellis all in one day. Fortunately for other teams, they don’t score often enough to ruin one of my favorite AC/DC songs (thanks Columbus!)
One of my favorite things about the Red Wings is that they’ve often had individual goal celebration songs for players. Brendan Shanahan lighting the lamp used to bring about an Irish Jig while Dan Cleary’s tallies bring us “I Can See Clearly Now” and Pavel Datsyuk has… well…. something or other. So with that in mind, I’d like to recommend some players and the songs that should accompany them when they scoring a goal.
Give me a blank check to pay for the rights to the songs and I’ll give you these:
Tomas Holmstrom: Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-Lot – I cannot lie, nor are you other brothers able to deny that when the puck goes by an irate goalie from this big annoying swede you get sprung (out of your seat, that is). I’m actually pretty sure you could get Mix-a-Lot to re-record the lyrics that way too, making it all the better.
Evgeni Malkin: The Monster Mash by Bobby “Boris” Pickett – Malkin looks like the offspring of Count Chocula and Frankenberry. Catchy tune, too.
Jeff Carter: Womanizer by Britney Spears – Yeah, it’s based on a false rumor; that doesn’t make it any less entertaining.
Kyle Wellwood: MacArthur Park by Richard Harris – It’s a dumb song, but the chorus is about cake and it’s Kyle Wellwood we’re talking about here. This couldn’t be any more fitting if it had an elastic waistband.
Derek Boogaard: It’s the End of the World as We Know It by R.E.M. – Boogaard scoring a goal is one of the signs of the end of times. Might as well go out enjoying not knowing all the lyrics to this song like everyone else.
Chris Pronger: The Alphabet Song as sung by Elmo – Just play it up to the letter H and watch Pronger’s head steam while he tries to figure out what comes next.
Niklas Hjalmarsson: U Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer – Yes, it’s obvious. So What? Imagine the run on parachute pants if he ever scores a hat trick. Bonus points if he does the dance after scoring.
Corey Perry: Girl, You’ll be a Woman Soon by Neil Diamond – Dear Corey Perry, Shove it. Sincerely, me.
Dany Heatley: I Can’t Dr – Ugh, nevermind.
Todd Bertuzzi: Sympathy for The Devil by The Rolling Stones – Pleased to meet you. Hope you guessed my name was Bertuzzi. But what’s puzzling you is the nature of how my game disappears for long stretches of time.
Any forward for the Montreal Canadiens: All the Small Things by Blink 182 – What they lack on the ability to ride roller coasters at Disney parks, they make up for in heart.
Johnny Oduya: The Devil Went Down to Georgia by Charlie Daniels – we should at least get one full season out of this before people forget about the trade that sent Kovalchuk to New Jersey.
Well, that’s all for now folks. Let me know what else I missed in the comments.
