Find Your Red Wings Emblem: A Flowchart
Strap in losers, it’s time to identify yourselves with an object by making a few simple choices.
Greetings, hello, and well met fellow Red Wings fans! Are you having a fan identity crisis? Would you like to find your Red Wings nation state in one-minute or less? Do you like colorful shapes and lines? Would you like to identify with a basic object? Are you kinda bored right now?
If you answered “yes” to any of the above questions, then you’re in luck! Welcome to the very official and terrifically accurate Red Wings Fan Sorting Chart, where you will discover the emblem of your fandom.
Guaranteed to be found fun and/or stupid or I will give you all $0 of your money back! So let’s get ‘er goin’. Follow your path and then read on to discover what your choices say about you.
(And if you’re on your phone, you might have to give it the ol’ zoom in. Because science.)
Great! You’ve discovered your emblem. But what does it all mean? Well, I’ll tell you!
You are faced with the most difficult quest of all - convincing the shrieking horde to chill the puck out.
While you may find stats and graphs and heat maps and abbreviations as exciting as a breakaway goal from the penalty box, outside the walls of your efficiently constructed castle the masses are setting fires, screaming DOOM, and snarking constantly.
Sure, maybe right now the good things are bad and the bad things are worse, but armed with the right combination of research, reputable citations, razzle and dazzle you can illuminate a safe path through the chaos.
Good luck and Larkspeed, you’re gonna need it.
You were BORN to Trust The Process™. Sit back, relax, and let the Red Wings do Red Wings things. You hear something you don’t like? Just slide it between the cushions and no one ever has to know. However, you’re also vulnerable to extended bouts of apathy and can benefit from interacting with your more excitable neighbors from the other Red Wings fandoms to keep the fire going.
Fun. Surprising. Obnoxious. Dangerous in the wrong hands. You probably can’t go 5 tweets without an image attached. You are fluent in memes, possibly a purveyor of heart emojis and rainbows, maybe even an enjoyer of bedazzlement. Roster changes out of nowhere give you a burst of energy, as you have to fit a random new player into your schemes.
Now get back to work, you probably just thought of something funny to post.
Multipurpose. Can be used to build or destroy. You don’t care, as long as something is getting smashed whether through your rapier wit or ginger ales. Your energy is well spent fighting the other teams’ fanbases who even DARE to say a bad word about the Red Wings. It doesn’t matter if it’s accurate, this is OUR garbage heap and only we can talk shit about it.
You’ll even fight amongst Red Wings fans, it’s all about the Art of the Brawl.
Patience + Planning = Parade. You’re prepared to play the rebuild game and while you don’t enjoy losing you understand the reason. The world depends on you to explain the long game from the draft to the trades to the lineup to the sends em ups and sends em downs.
You’re more salesman than professor, after all you put Grand Rapids on the map, but working together with your pals from Abacus can be a fruitful partnership. As long as their data agrees with your feelings.
Keep calm and motor on. Or, is that a Tigers slogan? Well, what’s the difference at this point...
A genius? A visionary? An all-knowing and suave expert in all things stickpuck and knife shoes? Sure, if you’re describing yourself modestly. If Steve and Blash would just listen to you, if Ken Holland especially would have listened to you, we’d be sipping chocolate cereal milk out of the Stanley Cup every summer.
And no one would be surprised to hear you have big moods about trades that happened before you were born.
What’s your emblem?